Tamara Kells - The Brunette Lucy

The following is a true story. Sigh.

2011-11-20T12:47:00.000-05:00

The Bird

We live in the country in a 200 year old brick house; a brick house with a drafty attic. Birds are constantly getting into it. Occasionally, though, they manage to find their way into our duct system.

Under normal circumstances, it’s a daunting process to get them out. However, when you throw in three kids, two labs, one cat and a ferret (there have also been rabbits, chinchillas, pet mice, and frogs in the mix at different times), it becomes a three ring circus.

We’ve always managed to shoo the bird out an open window without more than a light bulb being broken in the process. The birds seem to be as anxious to escape as we are to free it.

Until last week.

We were alerted to the birds presence in our ceiling by the dogs and the cat. They were running around, jumping up and down and making all kinds of noises. Matt unscrewed the vent cover, and a bird peeked down, surveying the animal kingdom that was our living room.

To say that this bird was fearless is an understatement. In fact, if Sylvester Stallone ever wanted to make an animal sequel to his famous movie series, we had just the bird for him in our living room – Rambird.

He casually swooped down into the room, flying in circles just above the dogs’ heads, and then landed on their newly filled food dishes; and began to dine. At first, we were all stunned. The kids, Matt, me and the animals stood there watching this bird casually eat dog food.

He wasn’t just eating the dogs’ food; he was making eye contact, as if daring them to do something about it.

And that’s when the dogs remembered that they were bigger, and the cat realized that he should be hunting it. Mass chaos began to ensue.

Bubba, our big black lab is afraid of his own shadow. After his shock wore off, he couldn’t get out of the room fast enough. He rounded the corner and flew out the door with cartoon like speed.

Mae B (pronounced “maybe”) is the yellow lab and she wasn’t amused at the bird eating her food. Bandit, the cat, turned into his version of a wild jungle cat and began to stalk his prey. Rambird continued to eat, watching them with what seemed like amusement. Or maybe it was mocking them; either way, that was one confident bird.

Mae B went after it right as Bandit pounced. Rambird flew up just in time for the two of them to collide into one another. Bandit was dazed for a second, but he resumed the chase. As Mae was barking like a maniac, jumping on and off the couch, Bandit was leaping to shelves, the fireplace, and just about anything that the bird was near. While this was going on, we were trying to use newspaper to corral the bird and send him out the window.

So there we were; three kids and two adults running through the room wildly waving newspapers above our heads, the dog barking, the cat leaping, fur flying, furniture crashing, lamp tipping over and a picture dangling precariously on the wall; the only creature who seemed to be amused in the middle of the melee was Rambird.

He must have decided it was getting too weird, and he flew out the window. Bandit launched himself after it, and thankfully, he didn’t throw himself out of the second floor window. He did, however, smack into the wall; spread eagle style. Thankfully, he wasn’t hurt, but he disappeared for the rest of the day. We think he was embarrassed; probably due to our pointing and laughing.

We can be so evil.

Things finally died down, and I began the process of picking up the remains of the battle. We lost a lamp in the fight, but due to our condition (having three kids and a veritable menagerie of animals); I don’t buy anything that can’t be easily replaced at Sears. Or the thrift store.

It’s been over a week, and the animals are no worse for the wear. Bandit has returned to normal, but he’s taken to sitting on the window sill, glaring at the birds outside. We figure he’s plotting his revenge.

On the bright side, I may open my own business chasing birds out of people’s houses. I’ll call it exactly what it would be if I actually did it: “Birdbrained”.

You can write to Tamara Kells, The Brunette Lucy, on Facebook.

The Price of Meat

2011-11-07T16:59:00.000-05:00

Here's my latest! It made the top 5 most popular article in 3 of the cities that have run it so far!

I’m famous for my grocery store follies; I can’t seem to go shopping without bringing home way more than I’d gone for. More than that, however, is that I keep bringing home the wrong things.

I should point out, however, that my eyesight plays a huge part in this ongoing problem. I need reading glasses – badly. I think I have at least twenty pair or more (I get them at the dollar store). The problem is that I can never find them while shopping. I could be searching for them for half an hour and still not find them. Then, when getting in the car, they fall out of my purse and into my lap; it never fails.

I’d gone to the store to stock up; we needed pretty much everything. Like everyone else these days, we have to be careful with our budget, so I’m always on the lookout for a deal. I was especially trying to find meats of any kind on sale.

I noticed a big sign announcing shank portions of ham for only $1.29 a pound. Since ham is normally expensive, I gravitated to the cooler and began to pick up and compare. I’d say I was like a pig rooting for truffles, but since I was rooting for a pig, that wouldn’t be in the best “taste”.

Another lady was perusing the hams as well, and I pointed out the deal. She, too, began to go through the ham. I’d picked mine, but thought that I’d look at the other hams. Then I spotted it; a HUGE spiral cut ham for only $10.59. I grabbed that bad boy, and threw it in my cart. To be nice, I alerted the other lady about the deal, and she, too, tossed another ham into her cart. We high fived each other, and off I went.

I came home, crowing about the steal I got on the ham. Matt picked it up and asked me how much I paid for it. Gloating, I told him. And that’s when he said, “That’s not the price of the ham; it’s the weight”.

I would have liked to be a fly on the wall when the woman who took my advice found out the same thing. But this wasn’t my only grocery store adventure this week.

Yesterday, my best friend, Michele, and I went out. I had to go to the Wal-Mart for a prescription, but when we got there, it wasn’t ready.

To kill time, Michele and I went over to the meat department. Before us was a sea of gold labels announcing reduced for quick sale cuts of meat. Unfortunately, since we were only going to get my medicine, we didn’t have a cart. We balanced our treasure in our arms, and went to see if my prescription was ready. It wasn’t; we had to wait.

So there I sat, sitting on the gray bench in front of the pharmacy with over fifteen pounds of roast in my lap. To say we got strange looks is putting it mildly.

I wonder what those folks would think if they knew that as I sat there with a stack of red meat, I was waiting for my high blood pressure medicine.

When I got home, I was putting my roasts in the freezer. And that’s when I noticed that on one or two of the packages, I’d only saved a dollar or less. Not quite the deal that I thought I was getting.

Later that night, Michele made a discovery of her own; she wanted me to know so I wouldn’t feel so bad. On one roast, we had made an exceptional deal. It originally cost $11.34, but the final price was $7.21. But how much did Wal-Mart math tell us we saved? $1.81.

Now I don’t feel so bad.

The Age of (too much) Information!

2011-10-24T17:15:00.002-04:00

Here's my latest for AOL's Patch! Still thinking about finishing the book; but it's more work and I'm lazy.

I love the show, “House Hunters” on HGTV. I get a kick out of seeing the insides of homes, getting decorating ideas, etc. But I just watched one that blew me away. There was, & I’m REALLY not kidding here, folks, a telephone in the bathroom – by the toilet.

Now, I don’t know about you, but how disturbing would it be if during a conversation, you heard a flushing sound? I guess it would make an undeniable point; eww.

It got me thinking, though, about how we live in a (too much) information age. We have to be able to reach out & touch each other, no matter where we are. And, as evidenced by the toilet phone, no matter what we’re doing.

Everywhere you go, folks are carrying cell phones. I was in a deli once and saw a woman telling the clerk (who had other customers, including me, standing in line) to wait a second so she could take a call.

If she had been in the process of brokering peace in the Middle East, I could understand. Instead, she answered with, “I’m not doing anything; what are you doing?” Maybe it’s me, but that hardly seems like a reason to ignore a person who’s handling your food.

I’m willing to bet that the deli clerk agreed with me and probably had visions of launching some cold cuts at her.

I’m not saying that cell phones are bad; I have a Blackberry with a cute Barbie pink silicone housing. I spent more time coming up with a nickname for it than I did naming one of my kids. The fact of the matter is that they come in handy.

And as if I’m not already calling the kettle black, I have a land line, my cell, call waiting and an answering machine. Oh, and my car has Onstar, so it has its own phone and number. I can’t be incommunicado if I wanted to.

Having them and knowing how to manage my communication devices is another matter entirely.

I was on our land line talking to my best friend, Michele, when my cell phone rang; while trying to decide what to do, call waiting began to buzz in.

I’ve never been this popular in my life.

Of course, I was confused, and I’ve never gotten the knack of call waiting. I tried to put Michele on hold to answer the call; pushing random buttons in an attempt to figure out which one would put her on hold and let me talk to whoever was beeping in.

While I was frantically trying to figure out how to see who was beeping in on our conversation, the cell kept ringing. I told who I thought was the person on the call waiting that I’d be right there, as I reached for it. Unfortunately, I had only recently bought the Blackberry, and I didn’t have my reading glasses on so I couldn’t see which button I should push to answer the call.

I was pressing numbers faster than a frenzied accountant on a calculator at tax time.

All the while, the Blackberry was playing Def Leppard’s “Hysteria”; the ring tone that I thought was so cute when I downloaded it. At the time, however, it was an accurate description of me.

Finally, whoever was trying to call the cell gave up, or they went to voice mail. Since I have no idea how to retrieve my voice mail, that’s going to remain a mystery. I was just happy that Def Leppard had finally shut up.

I got back on the landline, thinking that I was going to be talking to whoever had beeped in on Michele and me, only to find Michele laughing. Seriously, what were the odds that I hadn’t managed to put her on hold? Turns out, I’d pushed almost every button on the phone, but managed to dance all around the one that I needed.

When Matt got home that night, I figured out who was beeping in. He wanted to know why I didn’t answer the land line; he’d let it ring twenty times. He thought I might have been in the bathroom.

I asked what he was calling for, and he said he just wanted to know what I was doing. Visions of the lady at the deli counter went running through my head.

Then he said, “Hey, I saw a program the other day. Did you know they have phones you can put in the bathroom?”

Shoot me now.

When Waterbeds Attack

2011-10-15T16:02:00.001-04:00

I’ve always loved waterbeds and had one every since I moved out of my parents’ house; the old fashioned “full baffle”, hard sided waterbed. Fast forward to marrying Matt, and we found a new, soft side waterbed. To make it even cooler, the water was in tubes. This eliminated the full jiggle that the old style was famous for and you can use normal sheets.

Like all beds, however, soft side waterbeds need to be replaced every 5-10 years; it was time for a new bed. I had an idea -why not give the open baffle, full jiggle style a try, and Matt went along with it.

You know, you’d think he’d learn.

We bought our new bed, and I marked the occasion by purchasing satin sheets. The bed was set up, and I opened my new, silky sheets, and began to spread them across the bed; then attempted to tuck them in.

I hadn’t thought far enough ahead to realize that 750 pounds of quasi open water was going to be heavy. Lifting the corner was going to be a challenge.

I struggled to raise it, then jammed my right knee under the mattress. I was able to tuck the sheet under on my left side, but I was at an odd angle, and couldn’t quite tuck it in on my right. I figured that what I needed was more leverage and I didn’t want to lose what I had by removing my knee.

In a move that would make contortionists everywhere proud, I managed to bend down and use my left shoulder to hold up the mattress. In that precarious position (while mentally giving myself a pat on the back for managing such an acrobatic feat), I reached for the sheet with my right hand.

And here’s where the science of wave motion comes into play.

If you push a body of water one way, it’s bound to come back in the direction it came from; often with almost the same force. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw what might as well have been a tidal wave barreling towards me.

Just as it hit, my foot began to slide, sending my body careening backwards. My knee recoiled from under the mattress, slammed into my chest, and I began to slide under the bed (although I think it would more accurately be described as lurching).

My left hand was waving wildly, trying to grab the bed post in a desperate attempt to slow my descent, while I was still clutching the sheet in my right hand. There was no help to be had; I was going down.

I landed with the grace of an elephant on my back.

I was lying there, looking up at my ceiling, legs and arms akimbo, with half of my body underneath the bed, as the rest of the sheet slithered off the mattress and landed on my face.

The theme from “Deliverance” was playing in my head.

I’ve matched wits with children, adults and even animals, and lost. Losing to an inanimate object was a new low, even for me. If only that was the one time my waterbed mocked me, it would be enough. Sadly, it had just started.

I finally managed to get myself up off the floor and an hour later, my new waterbed was made. I beamed with pride.

Note to self: don’t ever beam with pride – it usually doesn’t end well.

When Matt got home, I was excited to show it off. I stood next to the bed and like a “Price is Right” model, I swept one arm over it as I patted it with the other.

He was only minimally impressed, as he didn’t know what I’d been through to get those sheets on that bed. But he was happy, and said that it was a good thing I liked the amount of water in it.

Wait; what?

He explained that after set up, you’re supposed to lie on the bed to see if you prefer more or less water; didn’t I know that?

Why, yes I did (I lied).

Knowing that I probably didn’t, he instructed me to lie down, which I did. Turns out, he was right about adjusting the level of water; my rear end hit the bottom of the bed, while water surrounded me on all sides. If you’ve ever seen someone in drifting down the river an inner tube with their rear ends almost completely immersed, you’ve got the visual.

Unfortunately, in order to add water, we’d have to unzip the pillow top; those sheets that I’d spent the better part of an afternoon putting on had to come off. Thankfully, however, when it was time to put them back on, Matt helped. I wouldn’t be adding another bruise to my posterior.

That night, as usual, Matt went to bed first (I’m a bit of a night owl). When I went in later, Matt’s 6’2” frame had displaced a good sized amount of water; it looked like a small hill on my side of the bed. But I figured that once I lay down, my weight would balance us out. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case and I promptly rolled down the bubble of water, landing face first on Matt.

Taking it in stride, he squinted up at me and said, “Not now, dear, I have a headache.” We adjusted the water levels yet again.

A week later, I got up in the middle of the night to find that a cold front had come through. By the time I came back, I was so cold my teeth were chattering. I went running into the bedroom, trying to get to bed and under the covers as soon as humanly possible.

Now, when I say I “got into bed”, what I meant was I vaulted myself with the grace of a charging rhino. I thudded onto the mattress with such force that Matt was launched off the bed and onto the floor.

I stared at the empty space that he’d previously occupied, mouth agape and held my breath. The wheels in my brain were spinning to come up with an explanation as to why I’d suddenly turned into an Olympic worthy gymnast; and tried to formulate an Olympic sized apology.

After what seemed like an eternity, he got up, looked at me and said, “You know, you’d think I’d be surprised.” Then he got back into bed, pulled the covers up and went back to sleep. I sat there for a good 30 seconds, then breathed a sigh of relief.

It’s been a few months, and we’re both pretty used to the mattress. Although I admit, I’ll feel a lot better when Matt finally stops erecting a mountain of pillows on his side of the bed every night. Thankfully, I haven’t done any more vaulting, and going to bed has gone without incident.

But, in my world, there’s no such thing as “without incident”. There’ll be plenty more opportunities for Matt to bellow, “Lucy, you’ve got some ‘splainin’ to do!”

Puzzled

2011-09-28T17:43:00.000-04:00

Here's my latest called "Puzzled".

My husband, Matt, is a puzzle fiend. Crossword, Sudoku, Jumbled Words, you name it, he loves them. I, on the other hand, hate them. Matt calls it a left brain/right brain issue. I call it a don’t care/too frustrating issue.

I do ok with jumbled word puzzles, but once I get stymied, I’m done. Matt tried to explain what Sudoku is, and how it’s played. All I heard was that it involved numbers. After that, I had zero interest. Numbers make my brain hurt.

In an effort to help with my puzzle impairment, he emailed an intelligence test to me. The average person is supposed to get it right within five tries; he got it in one. I, however, now have concrete evidence that I barely use one percent of my brain. I got 14% on my first try, and 0% on two others. I actually got worse!

At first, there was no way I was going to divulge this little tidbit of knowledge. I figured I could just walk away and forget about it. Unfortunately, I couldn’t.

All I could think about was that stupid test. I’m not a complete idiot, and this test didn’t seem that hard. I kept going back to the computer to retake the test, with the same result.

I half expected the test to ask me to verify that I wasn’t a chimp banging on the keyboard.

Instead, I was greeted by a cartoon wearing a dunce hat. I’ve been told I’m not the brightest bulb by some, but a computer is telling me I’m stupid? It was war.

I’d keep taking the test, failing, taking, failing. The more I tried, the worse I felt. Even in the shower, I was going over all the instructions, trying to figure out what I was missing. Then, I’d go back with renewed fervor, only to get laughed at by my computer – again.

That’s when I formed my conspiracy theory. Maybe it was a joke that Matt thought would be funny. And, what if he really DIDN’T get it in one try? What if he was trying to tell me he thinks I’m an idiot? Was he doing this on purpose to make me crazy?

Well, by the time he got home, I’d worked up a good ol’ case of mad. I hollered at him and told him exactly what was on my pea sized mind! He looked at me as though I’d lost it, and then, had the nerve to suggest that maybe I wasn’t reading the instructions correctly.

That’s when I told Mr. Man what he could do with his puzzle.

After trying, hard, to stifle his laughter, he showed me what I’d done wrong; and had spent the day going nuts about. I couldn’t believe how easy the mistake I’d made was. I promptly sat down and re-took the puzzle/test, and got 100%.

There should be a moral to this story, but, like a brain teaser, I’m having a hard time figuring it out. Matt suggested it’s to be nicer to your husband; nope, that wasn’t it.

Besides, I wasn’t falling for that again; look what happened the last time he “helped”.

Why aren't you following me? (sniff, sniff)

2011-08-26T15:31:00.000-04:00

I have a Facebook page, Tamara Kells, The Brunette Lucy. Don't forget to go over there & "like" me. You'll be updated when my latest article gets posted as too often, it takes me a while to put it over here.

As I was thinking about writing this, I remembered this post I wrote over a year ago. I thought it was worth re-posting as it's every bit as true now as it was then!

LINKING & BLOGGING & TWITTERS, OH MY!

I started this blog, not really knowing why. I’m a complete moron when it comes to all things technical. But, my husband, Matt, said it’s the thing to do. So, I just do what I’m told.

Then, I got a “twitter” account on accident. I was trying to get in touch with the editor at the Inquirer. Since my article appeared there a while back, the head muckety mucks have changed. Well, he doesn’t post his email online. Instead, he has a link to his twitter thingy. I follow the link, & find out that I have to create an account to write to him. So, of course, I do what I’m told & did it.

THEN, & I really don’t know how this stuff happens, I get an email saying that Gavin Newsom is following me. Following me where?? Anywho, I look into who this guy is & it turns out, he’s the mayor of San Francisco. Ok, I personally didn’t have that little tidbit of information – Michele told me. Thank God for good friends!

Next thing I know, some guy named Dave Peck is following me. What am I; the Pied Piper?? I have no clue who that guy is, except that it appears he has some talk show on the radio. How in the world did these folks find me?

All this leads to a conversation our family had about blogs & twitters while on the way to eat (ooh, ask me about the Chinese buffet we went to! Holy cow, they had everything under the sun to eat & we went there because for some reason both the girls decided to give up meat for Lent which is making me crazy especially since right before they announced their plan, I bought a bunch of meat that was on sale & now I have a freezer full of beef I can’t cook. Um, probably another rant. I’ll stop).

Honestly, I can’t believe that this is where the English language is going. But I digress. I’m supposed to network through twitter to link to my blog, then get people to follow my blog, especially if they’re twitter people, because it’s supposedly the new “thing” to do, but “netiquette” requires me to then link to their blogs & twitters & follow them around. At this point, I got lost in the conversation. How do I link, why do I care, & why don’t people get paranoid when strangers are “following” them? Could I lead them off a cliff or something? It seems like a rather large responsibility to entrust to an idiot.

Matt then summed up, kind of, how folks link to bunches of people. Apparently, they can throw out a virtual net & get a bunch of people on their “followers” twitter home page. Don’t ask me for particulars – I zoned out during the explanation. I have no clue why people link, follow, twitter & blog. I’ll leave all that technical stuff up to Matt. I just do what I’m told.

OK, it's time for you to head over to my Facebook page & start following me around. Go. No, really, shoo. Off with you; go let me know that you like me, you really like me!

I Don't Think So, Tim

2011-08-23T17:23:00.000-04:00

Here's my homage to men and home improvement. It ran this past weekend.

Do you remember a popular television show that ran in the nineties, “Home Improvement”? Tim Allen's character (Tim the Tool Man) was a home improvement television show host who was fond of grunting like a pig when he was in the presence of power tools. He also bumbled almost every project he laid his hands on. He'd often invite his sidekick, Al, to help him do something foolish, causing Al to say, “I don't think so, Tim” on a somewhat regular basis.

Many people watched the show and laughed, not realizing how accurate Tim's portrayal of a man (and possibly some women) can be when home improvement is involved. I was reminded of it when Matt wanted to take on tiling our kitchen floor.

Normally, going shopping with him is as enjoyable as having a root canal without pain medicine. But once he stepped inside the doors at Home Depot, he seemed to become a different person. His eyes glazed over, and he looked as if he'd just witnessed Moses parting the Red Sea.

I wish whatever it is they're pumping through the ventilation system at Home Depot could be shared with the grocery store and malls. I could actually enjoy shopping with Matt. Sadly, it seems to be non-transferable.

He gently coaxed a bright orange cart out of its corral, and walked reverently through the brightly lit store, occasionally stopping to pick up some gadget or another. As he held it in his hand, he grunted in obvious approval.

We finally managed to get to the tile area; of course, not without stopping to marvel at a variety of tools and gadgets whose use was lost on me. The happy grunting continued.

Little did I know that there would be so many tiles to choose from; nor did I know about the cornucopia of tools that would be required to do the job. I was actually able to decide which tile I liked well before Matt was finished shopping for the necessary equipment.

That was something that had never happened before in our married life; me picking anything out before he was ready to bolt for the door.

He picked up what looked like a bacon press to me, but I was wrong. It was a notched trowel, used to spread something called grout. Apparently, we also needed spacers, a float, sponges, nippers, sealers, and the list went on.

We also needed what looked like an over grown pumice stone to me, but it turned out to be a grit sanding and rubbing stone. I'm glad I found that out before I tried to use it on my fingernails.

When I finally managed to get him out of the store (which seemed to take hours), we came home and he set about tiling the kitchen floor. I could have sworn I heard him making more happy grunting noises. Unfortunately, hours later, we needed a few more tiles, and Matt asked if I'd like to come along to get them.

And that's when I said, “I don't think so, Tim”.

2011-08-21T19:52:00.000-04:00

Don't forget; if you want to be cool like all your friends, "like" me on Facebook. Or start a trend & like me before your unenlightened friends do!

Furnishing your house through the years

When you're single and you get your first apartment, half the fun is decorating it. And if you're anything like me, money was tight so decorations and furnishings were often purchased at the thrift store, or you made do with hand-me-downs. You also get really creative, which translates to not being very picky.
For example, I needed a table to eat on that wasn't collapsible and meant for television viewing. I spied one of those huge electrical spools behind a factory and asked if I could buy it. Luckily, they took pity on me and gave it to me. With a table cloth that I purchased at the Salvation Army and some folding chairs, I had my first dining room set.
Bare walls were not a problem. I had a large collection of hand held fans and tacked them to the wall in between large posters of Def Leppard and Pat Benatar - attached by scotch tape.
Then when Matt and I first got married, we had to mingle our meager furnishings. Unfortunately, his art consisted of neon signs for various brands of beer and other such bar room décor. Since I wasn't particularly enamored by having maidens wearing low-cut blouses carrying mass quantities of beer on my wall, we had the talk.
I explained to him that while those were probably awesome in a bachelor pad, it was a little frowned upon in married couples' homes. I didn't, however, tell him that the folks who were frowning upon his collection were my friends and family. His friends still thought they were awesome, and his parents had, by all accounts, given up on his taste in most departments.
Being a good guy, he agreed to store the scantily clad maidens. However, he really, really liked those other neon beer signs. And I really, really hated them.
Noting that the majority of his bar room décor was in bright, primary colors, I promptly purchased pastel curtains and painted the walls in a warm cream color. That backfired on me, though, when Matt came home and thought the combination looked amazing. I was at my wit's end.
Then the weirdest thing happened, a poltergeist moved in. Neon beer signs kept falling off the wall and breaking into little pieces. Surprisingly, all the acceptable decorations were left intact.
Not wanting the rest of his beloved wall art to fall prey to the ghost, Matt reluctantly packed up the remaining neon signs, and carried them to the thrift store. The poltergeist must have moved on, as there were no further incidents.
After we'd been married for a little while, we were able to purchase much better furniture, but only because of Matt's generous uncle Warren. Uncle Warren owns a furniture store, and he gave things to us for his cost. He's awesome that way.
We got our first real dining table – complete with chairs that didn't fold up. We also purchased an overstuffed light beige couch with a matching La-Z-Boy recliner. Or should I say, Matt's La-Z-Boy recliner. I think I sat in it once, but I can't be sure it wasn't a dream or wishful thinking.
I sought better wall decorations, and instead of posters hanging from our walls, we had framed posters.
I carried over our new sophisticated tastes to the kitchen. I purchased new silverware, new stoneware dinner sets, glasses for every type of drink known to man, and even a few kitchen appliances. I was so happy.
When folks would come to our house, I'd offer them a drink in one of our brand-new glasses. I also wielded coasters quicker than a ninja - it would be under your glass as soon as it left your mouth. I took great pride in setting a beautiful table with our new stoneware and perfectly pressed tablecloth.
Then we had kids, a dog and a cat. Things were about to change.
That beautiful cream-colored couch was liberally doused with Kool-Aid stains, mingled with jelly, chocolate ice cream and a myriad of other stains. I tried to do damage control, and bought a throw cloth to cover it.
Which was promptly doused with Kool-Aid.
The carpet that I so lovingly vacuumed and shampooed was covered with dog and cat hair. It also shared the same fate as the couch; embellished with a dizzying array of splotches and embedded with graham cracker crumbs.
My coffee table had enough water stains to qualify as abstract art.
It's a good thing I knew where my refrigerator was. It was covered in crayon drawings and colorful, magnetic ABC letters. For that matter, most of my wall art was drawn by one of my kids. And if I'm being honest, some of the walls themselves sported murals drawn by them.
I began to notice that grown up things were disappearing. My kitchen cupboards were now filled with jelly jars and sippy cups, mingled in with my beautiful (and dwindling) stemware. Baby bottles occupied the cupboard that used to house the wine glasses and my silverware drawer now held more plastic spoons with cartoon figures on them than actual cutlery. If I needed a steak knife, or really any knife that had the ability to cut through more than bread, I had to go next door to borrow one from the neighbor.
Remember those pricey stoneware dishes? I think I have three left - sandwiched between warped, brightly colored plastic plates. To this day, I doubt I could put a complete dinnerware service for two together without some type of Disney character smiling back at me.
I'm so used to eating out of mismatched dishes that once, before I had my cup of coffee, I grabbed a bowl out of the sink. I rinsed it, and poured my Cheerios, sugar and milk. As I ate, I noticed a slightly off taste. I couldn't place what that somewhat meaty taste was.
That's when I realized I was eating out of a dog dish that had been put in the sink to be washed.
And when did we install those child safety locks? If I needed something in a hurry, I'd have to remember all the steps to bypass their intricate security system. Launching the space shuttle would be easier.
As the kids got older, I began to think I could once again buy stoneware that had an actual pattern instead of primary colors. I even entertained the idea of buying another cream-colored couch.
That was before the kids had parties and I learned that cheese curls stain worse than Kool-Aid.
Oh, well, in the future, my kids will be out and furnishing their own apartments with hand-me-downs and posters taped to the wall. I can always get my cream-colored couch and maybe a new set of dishes when that happens.
No more eating out of a "Sponge Bob Squarepants" bowl and drinking from a "Toy Story" cup for me! I can also throw away all those sippy cups with an adorable Simba, the "Lion King" grinning at me. And boy, will I miss it.
Bring on the grand-kids!

Just in case . . . .

2011-06-12T21:03:00.000-04:00

In the event you'd be interested, you can “like” me on Facebook. You can leave messages there; but I'd REALLY like to know what you'd like me to write about next. See you there!

As Seen on TV

2011-06-12T18:57:00.002-04:00

As Seen on TV

I've said it before and I'll say it again – I'm a sucker when it comes to televised sales pitches. I can't help it; I really want to believe in new miracle products that claim to make our lives easier, cut the time we spend in the kitchen, or make us look younger. The thing of it is, most of the stuff being hocked is just a twist on an old idea.

For example, there are innovative furniture moving pads you place under the legs of furniture (only $19.99 for 16), making moving furniture a breeze! On TV, it looks as if they're gliding over ice. It made me want to buy them if only to join in the fun; they were swinging those chairs around like they were square dancing.

I wonder if folks knew about the moving pads that I used when I was younger. They were called cardboard, and you went to the grocery store to get it - for free. I will admit, there's a bit of labor involved; you have to cut it up. But, to be fair, they probably didn't work as well.

I was curious, however, about a new fashion break through called “Pajama Jeans”.

On TV, they look just like real jeans; and according to their maker, you can go out wearing them and no one will be the wiser. They're made of an exclusive and innovative fabric called “Dormisoft” that moves and stretches with you for a perfect fit. They had me hook, line and sinker; anything that makes me more comfortable is a must have to my way of thinking. Still, I wasn't sure about buying jeans from a commercial.

Enter the Walmart.

I went there last week on one of those dreary days we'd been having and noticed that there was a section called “As seen on TV”. Is it possible that it had been there all along and I hadn't noticed? No, it must have been new because I can smell a revolutionary, breakthrough gadget a mile away. I'd never miss a cluster of them.

I held my breath and hoped that Pajama Jeans would be there in all their splendor and comfy goodness. As if on queue, the clouds opened and the sun shone its golden rays through the skylight directly above the display. It really was a magical moment.

All I could think was please, please let there be Pajama Jeans.

And they were there; my heart was beating fast as I knew I'd just saved $6.99 in shipping and handling fees. A rush of happiness washed over me as I reveled in my good luck. Then I looked at the price tag and my moment of Zen came screeching to a halt. They were “only” $39.95. Um, what?

Now, I understand that they're made of a new and wondrous fabric called Dormisoft, but almost forty dollars for one pair of “jeans”? On the other hand, it was the most comfortable pair of jeans I was ever going to wear in my life, and I wouldn't know how I managed to live without them. Well, that's what the commercial said and we all know I believe just about everything that comes from the wise soothsayer that is the television. I threw them into my cart, when something else caught my eye.

Robostir; it stirs your pots for you.

Have we really gotten too lazy to stir a pot? Well, yeah, I kind of have. Wait, I should amend that – I've been lazy most of my life; so the thought of a robot stirring my pot was appealing. Besides, I've scorched my fair share of spaghetti sauce in my time so if Robostir saved just one batch, it was worth $10.99. And again, I'd saved on the shipping and handling; I'm so clever.

I continued to search this new display of “As Seen on TV” retail genius.

On the other side of the rack, I found a brand new product called “Easy Feet” - no more bending to clean your feet! You put them into a pair of what looks like slippers while over 1000 rejuvenating bristles clean and massage your feet. I pondered that one, but put it back on the shelf as I didn't think I could justify the purchase. I could just hear Matt asking me if I was really too lazy to bend down and rub soap on my feet (sadly, we've established that I kind of am).

I rifled through products that would grow an entire garden in one small space, found lids that were supposed to fit any pot in your house, and saw a pillow that fit the contours of your neck and cradled your head. It was a good thing we'd just bought new pillows or I probably would have been putting that claim to the test.

The next thing to catch my eye was something called “Spray On Foundation”. It's face makeup meant to even your skin tone and cover discolorations. I had to know what miracle I was holding in my hands; I was already imagining how it was going to magically transform the look of my middle aged skin.

According to the packaging, you shake the bottle, close your eyes, and spray a mist of color that will make me look like my face has been airbrushed. Now, really, there's nothing bad about that. If I didn't buy it, I'd never know the joy of going twelve hours looking fresh; like I'd just put my makeup on. It joined the Pajama Jeans and Robostir in my cart; I couldn't wait to try my amazing products.

When I got home, Matt took a look at my booty of wonder products, shook his head and said, “They see you coming. You know that, right?”

Well, I'll show him.

He'll eat those words as I prance around in jeans so comfortable I could sleep in them. Then, thanks to Robostir, I was going to make the best spaghetti sauce he's ever tasted; after I'd applied makeup that would make me look like a 25 year old.

Then reality blew in like a storm in Kansas.

I put on those jeans and boy were they soft. The thing is, they looked nothing like real jeans; at least not to my untrained eye. They looked like, well, pajamas. Worse, they were so form fitting, you could see my panty lines. Not willing to admit defeat, I decided that I probably just needed to break them in; I carried on.

Next I sat down at my mirror, opened up my spray on foundation, and sprayed my face. And my hair, the wall behind me, the shirt I was wearing and the chair I was sitting on.

I'm sure with practice, I'll be able to apply that makeup and look like a model. Until then, I'll use my hands to smooth the streaks running down my face.

It was time for dinner, and since one of the excuses, I mean, reasons, I'd bought Robostir was to avoid burning spaghetti, I assembled my ingredients. I put my AAA batteries in old Roby, positioned him in my pot, and just as Matt walked in, I turned it on.

Turns out, you're supposed to start on low, then graduate to high.

There was spaghetti sauce all over Matt, me, the stove, the ceiling, the floor, and the refrigerator. I seemed to be having a field day when it came to flinging products through the air. Revolutionary, breakthrough products, I should say.

So there I stood; makeup smeared on my face and in my hair, spaghetti sauce all over my shirt, and pajama jeans riding up my rear end, wondering what else in the world could possibly go wrong.

That's when Robostir almost launched himself across the room.

I could tell Matt was ready to laugh out loud; until he saw my face. I don't usually swear, but that day I yelled curse words I didn't even know I knew. They came tumbling out of my mouth like molten lava from a volcano, and were pretty much as unstoppable. Matt stood as still as a statue, probably in fear for his life.,

After my hissy fit, I put my chin up, marched right around Matt, went into the bathroom, and got in the shower – clothes and all. I stood under the warm spray for 20 minutes, peeling off my pajama jeans, and scrubbing makeup and sauce out of my hair. Then, I went into my room and watched my favorite show – TV infomercials and wondered if that foot scrubber would have come in handy after all.

I never learn.

Beep, Beep

2011-06-10T15:28:00.000-04:00

Beep, beep!

We live in a world filled with noise. It seems that just about everything emits some type of beeping, chirping, whining, bleating, or buzzing.

Years ago, when our daughter Aubrie was little, we'd gone down to the shore. We got into our little room, put our suitcases down and went out to walk on the boards. When we got back, we were treated to a loud, high pitched ringing noise, reverberating throughout the room.
We searched everywhere, trying to locate the source to no avail. The hotel sent the maintenance man, but he couldn't figure it out either. Since there was no way we could stay in the room, and the hotel was booked solid, we were relocated. More accurately, we were upgraded to a luxury condominium. Later the next day, the sound began anew, but we finally located it. It was one of Aubrie's toys.

When it comes to noise, phones are one of the biggest offenders. If your battery is low, it beeps loudly and won't shut up until you've plugged it in or turned it off. It's kind of weird, though, when you think about it. If the battery is low, isn't the constant beeping even more draining on it? I understand that it's meant to call our attention to the fact that it's potentially dying, but one would hope that it would try to save its strength.

Then there's the beeping to alert me that I have a text message. My kids love to text, even though they know I hate it and have one heck of a time trying to respond. Call me old fashioned, but I always thought phones were for having a conversation. Now it houses your entire phone book, is the keeper of your “to do” list, gives you a wake up call, and can even give you directions. Add the ability to surf the web and type messages, and it's pretty much an all purpose miniature computer.

The problem I have is that even though I have a keyboard on my phone, it was obviously made for elves. The keys are tiny, making it next to impossible to compose sentences that don't have a myriad of typos. Thankfully, the kids are fairly able to decipher my typographically challenged messages; “bting yonr mu;j” means bring home milk. Or meat. If they don't bother to call and ask for the translation, it's a crap shoot to see what it is they've brought home.

Today's cars are also guilty of contributing to noise pollution. If I don't have my seat belt on as soon as I shut the door, my car begins making an obnoxious ringing noise until I either hit a button or fasten the belt. What I'd like to know is who figured how much time the average person needs between getting in the car and securing your safety belt. It's annoying to have your vehicle judge how long it takes.

Hardly any place has as many buzzers, whistles and alarms as the kitchen. And one morning, it became the scene of the perfect storm.

I'm not a morning person by any stretch of the imagination, so I have the coffee machine completely ready so that all I have to do is press a button. Usually, I don't eat anything more than a piece of toast, either; big breakfasts are a weekend treat. I wear contact lenses, so in addition to being barely awake before coffee, I'm also fairly blind.

A few months ago, for some strange reason, I woke up famished; I wanted eggs and sausage gravy with biscuits. And, like every other day, I turned the coffee maker on.

Since the sausage was frozen, I grabbed it out of the freezer to put in the microwave to thaw. I pulled a roll of biscuits out of the fridge, and pre-heated the toaster oven. Fetched eggs and a skillet, and put them down on the counter as I assembled all the other sausage gravy fixins.

And then, the perfect storm hit.

The coffee maker buzzed, or so I thought. When I got close enough to see (translation – on top of it), I realized that it wasn't done, so it couldn't be buzzing. My next thought was that the refrigerator door wasn't closed. I opened it and closed it, several times. Still, the buzzing continued.

Next, I went over to the toaster oven, to see if maybe it was letting me know it had hit its chosen temperature. But that wasn't it either; the ringing was driving me crazy. Then, as if God wasn't amused enough, the coffee maker buzzer went off, right when the microwave began to ring that my sausage was defrosted.

Turns out, God wasn't laughing hard enough, because I was able to identify the next sound – the fire alarm.

I wheeled around to see that I'd turned the wrong burner on. My pot holders, which had been stacked on the stove top, were on fire. There was smoke billowing through the kitchen and down the hall. This sent my daughter, Elyse, running into the room. She helped me throw the fire ball that had, until now, been my pot holders, into the sink.

We poured water on the blazing heap of fabric, which only made the smoke worse. We needed to get the doors and windows open – and soon. Elyse pried open one of the 100-year-old kitchen windows and just as she thought she had it open all the way, it came down and smashed her finger.

I was trying to determine if her finger was broken, which thankfully it wasn't. I grabbed ice, put it in a towel and told her to sit down with her arm up. I have no idea why I instructed her to keep her arm up, but you always see that when you're watching first aid videos. I figured it couldn't hurt.

Matt smelled the fire, heard the shrill cacophony, and came running up the stairs to see what was going on. I gave him the Reader's Digest version as he ran around opening windows and doors with me.

Next, he tried to shut the alarm off, but the button wouldn't work, so he had to open the cover and take the battery out. All the while he was cursing, wanting to know what in the world had possessed me to make breakfast before I had my coffee and without at least my glasses on. What was Elyse doing holding her hand in the air wrapped in a towel full of ice? Why did I have pot holders on top of the stove, and what was that ringing?

By now, our son, Boy, and our other daughter, Aubrie, had come into the room to see what in the world was going on. They were treated to a screaming woman, angry man, wounded girl circus. I half expected Boy to go get the popcorn.

And that's when the toaster oven beeped to let me know it had reached 350 degrees.

Still, we hadn't located the source of the original ringing. With a grin a mile wide, Boy casually walked over to the freezer and closed it; which turned off the alarm.

It's been a few months, and we've all pretty much recovered. To Matt's delight, I've sworn off any type of creative cuisine in the a.m. Thankfully, Elyse's finger wasn't broken, but she did sport a good sized bruise for two weeks. To this day, I have no idea if holding your hand above your head makes any difference for a badly bruised finger.

The smell of smoke is long gone, and after a few days of heavy scrubbing, the stove top was usable again. Matt purchased a new fire alarm; one that didn't need the battery removed to get it to shut up. As for Boy and Aubrie? Well, let's just say that they had quite the story to tell their friends for weeks.

But when it gets down to it, buzzers that warn you of impending doom are truly a godsend. Just as long as it isn't a slow day - and He could use a laugh.

My latest

2011-04-28T00:24:00.000-04:00

Here's a link to my latest article, "Clutter Be Gone!".

Don't judge me! (giggle)

Just roll with it

2011-02-25T21:01:00.000-05:00

This ran in several Patches, including my home page, Hellertown/Lower Saucon. Did I mention what an awesome editor Josh Popichak is?

I have three fully capable children, not hampered by any type of physical impediment. So why can't they replace the toilet paper?

Instead, they take a roll from the nice little stand next to the toilet, and deposit it on the vanity, where it gets wet from the sink and ultimately, half the roll is of no use.

These are the same children who have taught themselves to play musical instruments, learn complex graphic arts programs, played complicated video games, researched in depth technical papers for school, and taught themselves to knit adorable hats and mittens. But apparently that little spring mechanism is rocket science to them.

And Heaven forbid that they run out of additional rolls on the handy little toilet paper caddy.

I've been amazed at what they do to avoid going into the hall closet, get out one, just one roll, return to the bathroom, and place it on the dispenser. It's as if the hall closet is some foreign land being guarded by the Marines; if they dare open it, death will come swiftly and surely. I've actually gone into their bathroom to find an empty toilet paper dispenser and an expensive box of Puffs Plus roosting precariously on the sink. And three rolls on the caddy.

You have to understand; in order to get to the expensive box of Puffs, you have to bypass the hall closet, where the regular toilet paper is stored, go into another room, walk back, again passing the closet that houses the proper paper, open the plastic shrink wrap and rip the cardboard off the top of the box, and move objects around on the vanity in order plop the Puff's container down.

One time, I decided to conduct a little test. I purposely didn't add the tissue to the handy little stand, which was well within reach, of the, um, "throne".

Next, I took the lone box of Puffs from the living room and put it into my bedroom on my make up table, behind my mirror, camouflaged by tubes of makeup and assorted creams. And waited.

Sure enough, days later, I went into the bathroom, and there sat the box of Puffs. I went into my room, thinking that perhaps they'd found another box somewhere in the house, but no, no; they found the box that I'd hidden. Again, they bypassed the hall closet at least twice in their efforts to avoid attaching a roll of toilet paper to the dispenser.

I've spoken to other moms who seem to have the same problem with their very own minions. One friend, Andrea, finally gave up, and purchased a pole style dispenser, and miracle of miracles, a new roll showed up on the peg. Needless to say, she's elated.

Moms rejoice for the littlest things.

There's also a lack of basic skills with other bath room tasks. It's like some unwritten law that all kid types abide by. I've had to replace a bar of soap that technically can no longer be called a bar. I think the more accurate description is a sliver, so thin that you can read the paper through it.

The pricey hand soap pump that was purchased to match the décor of the bathroom has called the shower stall home more times than I care to admit. So apparently, cardboard soap boxes vex them as well. What makes it worse is that it's made of porcelain and should it break, the result would be an even pricier trip to the emergency room.

What is it about common bathroom and household functions that turn our kids into cavemen, struggling to light a fire?

One time, one of the ferret's toys ended up in the middle of the stairs. I began to bend down to retrieve it, when I had a thought. Why not leave it there and see how long it takes before one of my kids picked it up. At the very least, Ferret would play with it and it wouldn't be there much longer.

The toy was smack dab in the middle of the stairs, in the middle of the tread. The kids would have to step to the side while clinging to the banister in order to avoid it. I was truly optimistic that one of them would move it.

A week later, I finally picked it up.

I was baffled. I could only imagine the Olympic worthy feats they probably employed; hurdling, pole vaulting, tight rope walking, and swan diving were tops on my list of imagined tactics they'd utilized. They'd had to have done something, accessed some kind of other worldly skills, just to keep from picking it up. I even pictured myself holding up score cards.

On the bright side, they really did teach themselves to play musical instruments, and do all that other stuff I told you about at the beginning of my little rant. And they're good kids, making sure that Mother's Day doesn't go unnoticed, for both me and their grandmother. They're quick with a hug, and for the most part, don't mind running to the store and doing other things around the house. Heck, I've even trained them to do the laundry!

I'm continuing to hope that at some point, they'll be able to figure out that befuddling little spring. If not, I can only imagine the phone call in the middle of the night after they've moved out. "Mom, can you come over and put toilet paper on the roll?" I'll laugh really hard.

And then I'd go.

Surviving Valentines' Day

2011-02-13T15:42:00.000-05:00

Found out that the Upper Macungie editor on Patch forwarded this article. It's now running in 5 different cities, with the possibility of a few more. Yay, me! (I'm old - I get excited easily) You can read it online at my homepage on the Hellertown Patch, Nazareth Patch, Upper Macungie, and the Hatboro Patch. I'm pretty sure Lower Macungie will be running it as well - woo hoo! (Again, sorry, I'm easily amused).

Anyway, here's my latest installment of silliness. Up next, teens & the toilet paper dispenser; it has them baffled.

Surviving Valentine's Day

Remember when Valentine's Day was romantic? There were candlelit dinners, the occasional roses, a few stuffed animals and several sparkly baubles in those good old days. Now, you're lucky if you get a burrito from the drive through at the Taco Bell. What happened?

One word – kids.

Once you have kids, going on a date is a huge deal, and you're usually too tired to make the effort. After you've made enough pink cupcakes to circle the globe and purchased boxes of Spiderman cards that say things like "swinging your way", getting dressed and going out is too tiring. Picking up the phone and ordering take out in your sweat pants and fluffy slippers is a little Utopia here on Earth.

Putting on a little black dress requires energy that we just don't have anymore. And small evening bags make us laugh really hard; we now carry suitcase sized purses stuffed to the brim with first aid supplies and enough food to feed a small army.

But men, just because you've been granted a reprieve from the fancy dinner doesn't mean women don't want gifts; the sparklier, the better. We don't let geography get in the way.

You see, for most moms, Valentine's Day has been elevated to a High Holy Day. Christmas is for the children and anniversaries are about the two of you. By now, what used to be a highly anticipated gift getting day, birthdays, are dreaded. We don't want to be reminded of our age. Therefore, by default, Valentine's is "The Day". However, we don't make it easy on you guys.

If you bought flowers, but no candy, you think we're fat. If you bought a silver necklace, why wasn't it gold? We keep forgetting that unlike us, you guys are pretty simple. You don't have ulterior motives, and sometimes a gift is a gift. Well, except when you buy us lingerie – then yeah, you've got ulterior motives.

There are things you should avoid, though. For example, think before you make a public declaration of love. If you take her to a hockey game and have "Marry me, Ashley" flashed on the jumbo screen, there's a pretty good chance that there is more than one Ashley there. Mass hysteria will ensue.

Never bestow upon us anything practical on this High Holy Day. Women have been known to launch vacuum cleaners with the precision of a stinger missile. That Diaper Genie that she's been ogling? Buy it as a Valentine gift, and you'll be wearing it with the sausage-like roll of dirty diapers dangling from your ears.

Handy tip, never give her a present that came from the Wal-Mart. Cutting the tags off and putting it in a Macy's box isn't clever, it's just plain dangerous. We can spot a Wal-Mart gift a mile away, and you'll be in the dog house for days.

Another tip; you may want to avoid is telling her that Valentine's Day is also for men. That's kind of like telling the Bride that it's the Groom's day, too. First she'll laugh; then she'll turn on you. Run. Run very, very fast.

The biggest, most unforgiveable sin, however, is forgetting The Day. The only acceptable excuse for missing it is death and/or imprisonment. You may also want to consider entering the Witness Protection Program. You'll probably spend more money making it up than you would had you just ordered flowers. Sandy beaches and expensive jewelry might be the only way to atone for your sin.

In all seriousness, Valentine's Day isn't about gifts. It's about the time and the thought and remembering that sometimes, two hearts need to take a moment for romance.

Whether you've spent the day explaining that putting on a cape doesn't mean you can fly, digging Lego's out of your feet, pointing out that despite the handy size, the washing machine isn't the best place to bathe the dog, or dealing with towering teens with attitude, it's all about the gesture.

Romance can be found every day in the little things. Take the time to look at your shared history through photographs, and you'll remember how you began your love story. Life goes by so fast and stopping for a minute to let the person you love most in the world know that you appreciate them is itself a precious gift.

Keeping connected, taking care of each other's needs, and saying I love you often are all woven into the fabric that makes up our lives. Those are the things we'll remember long after washing machines are once again being used solely to clean clothes, Lego's have been packed up and the teens are grown.

Of course, there's still nothing wrong with a sparkly, sparkly bauble. Or perhaps you can splurge for the Burrito "Grande".

Happy Valentine's Day!

You Say Tomato, I Say Jalapeno

2011-01-30T16:18:00.000-05:00

This just ran in the Patch yesterday & today. I think it's the number one article on Macungie again. Woo Hoo!

My grocery store had a sale on canned tomatoes, so I'd purchased massive quantities; my family likes all things tomato based. Then when I was making spaghetti sauce, I threw in a can. When I tasted it, though, there were flavor notes that aren't normally found in spaghetti sauce. I don't remember my sauce leaving a hint of "Holy Cows, why is my mouth burning?"

I went looking for the can of tomatoes and realized that I'd dumped a can of "zesty Mexican style with green chilies and jalapenos" into my normally (and much preferred) mild spaghetti sauce. Typically, as one would presume, I prefer sauce that plays nicely with the pasta – instead of setting it on fire.

Opening my cupboard, I realized that I had can after can of the spicy Mexican style, in addition to "Italian style with basil, garlic and oregano" and "fire roasted garlic with sweet onions". There was one lone can of my targeted diced tomatoes. All those cans of Italian style, which would have happily been fortuitous, yet I managed to pick the can of Mexican tomatoes. Another proud Lucy moment for me!

I ended up trying to turn my simmering pot of whatever it was into something that was similar to chili. To this day, I have no clue if my kids were being kind because they felt sorry for me, or if they actually liked it. I'm a mom; I'm going with the latter.

Things like this have begun to happen to me more and more often, but my slow slide into senility has manifested itself most often in the grocery store. For example, my son, Boy, asked me if I was aware that we have two large labs. I joked, "Nope; I thought they were Cocker Spaniels and have been quite surprised by their size explosion."

He proceeded to hold up the tiniest dog bone I'd ever seen. The bones I'd bought were for small breeds – hence the picture of a beagle on the box. I figured it was a doggie close up; at least that's what I told him. He quipped, "Let's hope the bones, like the dogs, take a shocking turn of events and in time, get bigger on their own."

I've brought home bottles of diet soda that I couldn't drink because the artificial sweetener gives me a headache. I've made cakes that rose a foot above the pan (like a soufflé) because I made the recipe according to plan, including the rising ingredients. Unfortunately, I'd accidentally purchased self rising flour.

Here's a head's up, should you ever do that; don't be surprised when as the cake cools, it deflates and you end up with a cantaloupe sized crater in your cake. This has happened to me a few times, for varying reasons (too many to list here). Let's just say that I now make triple batches of icing to cover my myriad of cake-tastrophies. The real trick is to pretend that I meant to do it. I could win an Oscar.

The embarrassing thing is that I remember joining my kids in their good natured ribbing of their grand mother, Gretchen, for the exact same thing! I remember the time she bought a butter substitute that had roasted garlic and olive oil. Now, on toast, that might be really good. But, the combination of garlic and cinnamon bun is a taste treat never to be forgotten; and not in a good way. “Silly Gretchen, how do you not see the label?” we’d tease. Karma takes no prisoners.

Now, she's my only source of comfort as I suffer the volley of jokes lobbed my way after I bring home bottles, cans, and boxes of all manner of unintended items.

These days, my kids enjoy the "sport" of going to the grocery store with me – they're constantly amazed at how my mind works. At the very least, they congregate in the kitchen as I put groceries away – carefully examining and snickering. Let me tell you, I completely intend to have at least one trip back from the store sporting the actual list of items that I went there for in the first place! And I also plan to hit the lottery; they both have pretty much the same chance of happening.

For now, it's entertaining when Gretchen and I go grocery shopping together as it's always an adventure when it's time to put them away. And on the bright side, we've come up with some pretty interesting flavor combinations.

In the meantime, I'm making chili tonight, and I'm bound and determined to dump in the correct can of tomatoes. But who am I kidding? I'll probably dump a can of Italian style in the pot. South of the Italian border chili, anyone?

Much Ado about Lucy

2011-01-25T20:08:00.000-05:00

Boy, a lot has happened since I updated this blog! I'll try to do better, it's just that I've spent the last year battling breast cancer. You can see that blog here, called, "The Brunette Lucy vs. Breast Cancer, & Cancer Can Suck It". I have more to write about over there as well. But, on to the HAPPY news!

I've been writing my column again, & it's being carried in a new online newspaper called, "The Patch". It's been picked up by three cities, but my "home page" is here. I'm going to begin copying & pasting the articles that have since been published, since I got nothing new at this time. Wait, I did see this:

"Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you'll be a mile away and you'll have their shoes".

Now I've officially got nothing.

Below is an article that ran during December.

Following the Pink Rainbow

The Plethora of Barbie Paraphernalia is Staggering

Is it just me, or was Christmas easier when the kids were young? When my girls were little, I only had to keep two things in mind when buying toys: pink and Barbie. Generally, they were one and the same and the only thing on my daughters' list. I'd head to the toy store and follow the pink rainbow that ended in an overflowing Barbie pot of gold.
I'm amazed at the staggering amount of Barbie paraphernalia that's out there to be purchased, and how much of it was purchased by ME. You'd think that a small, eleven-and-a-half inch plastic doll would be easy on the pocketbook, but nothing could be further from the truth.
First, there was Barbie and her clothes, which included, but wasn't limited to, bathing suits, business suits, pants suits, mini skirts, halter dresses, t-shirts, shorts and a wide array of pajamas. Every designer worth their salt designed evening wear for the perky princess.
Barbie also needed shoes, purses, necklaces, and even hairbrushes. All of these items were in miniature form, making them the first things to get lost on Christmas morning, only to be found in the middle of the night – embedded in your foot. The day after Christmas, Barbie's myriad of clothes and accessories are strewn about the house and like the proverbial sock lost in the dryer, the odds of a pair of Barbie shoes meeting up again are slim to none. Most Barbies are doomed to hobble the Earth, wearing only one pump.
Along with a larger wardrobe and jewelry collection than most royal families, Barbie needed homes to house her accoutrement. But not just any house; she needed a "Dream House." Not content with a house that dreams were made of, Barbie also seemed to need a vacation house. Apparently, she also needed a three story "Dream Town House," a "My House." a "Totally Real" house, and a "Pink World" house (which I find pretty redundant – all things Barbie are pink; you wouldn't think it was necessary to point that out).
Barbie had rapidly grown into a Trump-esque bastion of real estate. I believe the most recent, modest number of homes available to her is nineteen. I don't know if I've ever owned nineteen of anything!
Just in case you thought you were done housing Barbie, you have to furnish her vast empire, with actual furniture. The first in waves and waves of furniture was labeled "dream," and of course it was. The problem was for parents, those dreams turned into costly nightmares. There was a Dream Sofa and living room set, Dream Bedrooms, Dream Kitchens, and yes, even a Pink Dream Bathroom. I kid you not – Barbie even has her own Dream Hot Tub.
It turns out that Barbie needed a boyfriend, who came in the person of the perfect Ken doll. Ken is a must-have for Barbie fans, even though after he's purchased, he spends most of his time out in the Barbie garage. And just when you thought the outlay of money would stop after Barbie had a closet full of clothes, shoes, accessories and the perfect All-American boyfriend, you find out that Barbie needs friends. Lots and lots of friends.
First came Midge, who, frankly, got the short end of the stick. She wasn't nearly as curvy (read sexy) or attractive as her best friend and of course, there wasn't a specific boy doll made for poor Midge. Next came Skipper, Stacey, PJ, Christie, Francie, Tutti, Kelly, and on and on and on it went. Plastic dolls were occupying every nook and cranny of the house, in between couch cushions, in wash machines and bathing in sinks full of sudsy water. Oddly, they never seemed to be content in their dream home.
But if a girl has a house, then she needs transportation to get to and from the grocery store, clothes store, and friend's houses. This is how the Barbie convertible was born. The first generation was cheap plastic, and getting Barbie and her friends in and out of said vehicle was a pretty exhausting endeavor. Oftentimes, hair, shoes and articles of clothing were snagged on the cheap plastic.
Never one to settle for less than everything, Barbie added a Glam VW Beetle, Glam Corvette, Glam Boat, and even a glam RV. I guess even when you own several large homes, you need to get away in a small one. The one thing I don't think that Barbie has ever owned is a tent; but I could be wrong. There's probably even a Survivor Barbie by now.
I can't complain, since I fed the growing Barbie giant. Little girls were addicted to all things "B" and beginning in October, Mattel trotted out all kinds of things that our gal just can't be without. I'm fairly certain that even The Donald acknowledges her supremacy in the toy dominion. And, like The Donald, Barbie even had her own jumbo jet.
On the bright side, my girls would play with Barbie for hours. Their friends would come over, toting their very own plethora of Pink Princesses, but I barely heard a peep out of them. Even though all of Barbie's earthly physical needs had been met, the girls used their imaginations to create the world she lived in. And thankfully, that world was usually peaceful and tastefully decorated.
That is, until their brother brought GI Joe, his army buddies, tanks, flame throwers and combat helicopters over.

Just saying!

2010-04-06T14:29:00.000-04:00

Entrusting teens to go to a nightclub is a difficult thing for parents to do. These are, after all, the same humans who drove 95 miles with the “check oil” light on, called you at 1:00 am in the morning to come get them in the middle of nowhere because the engine seized, looked you straight in the face & said that since it was your car, the message must have been for you.

Raising kids is not for the faint of heart!

Men vs. Women

2010-03-10T01:38:00.000-05:00

I wrote this during my battle with breast cancer. This also appears on my blog, The Brunette Lucy vs. Breast Cancer & Cancer Can Suck It!

My son, Dakota, is trying to take this whole breast cancer thing with a grain of salt. Unfortunately, it’s a women’s disease, & he’s just turning 15 this Wednesday (boy, that’s a WHOLE other story!). Anyway, it’s not something your average male kid-type wants to discuss. Thankfully, he has a good dad, who’s a good listener & they have a good relationship. They can discuss the situation, & Dakota can express, as best he can, his feelings about this ordeal. However, a discussion between the males of the species is a wonder to behold. There is very little said, yet, they seem to get by just fine. Me, & most women, on the other hand, spend hours on the phone with our friends.

Men, by nature, are “doers” & phone calls are brief & to the point. You can’t bring a problem to them & just complain about it the way you would a girlfriend. For example, this would be a typical conversation between two women:

Woman 1: “I went to Bon Ton yesterday because they were having a sale. They only had ONE of the dresses I wanted. Plus, it was a size too big.”

Woman 2: “That’s awful! Why does that always happen?”

1: “I know! I went through every sale rack AND the return rack looking for my size. Still, nothing. ”

2: “Did you get a salesgirl?”

1: “Good luck trying to find one.”

2: “I think it’s a case of bait & switch.”

I could continue to write this conversation, as it could go on for hours, but you get the idea. Usually, however, this situation is resolved in one of two ways. The complaining & sympathizing will go on for hours until the aggrieved woman is all complained and/or cried out. Then the conversation will change to something completely different.

The second is that between the two of them, they work up a good old case of mad. Then, they call their other girlfriends, & they, too, work themselves into a big ol’ case of mad. Then, they’ll all work together on a letter to the manager of the store. This can often turn into a petition, which is signed by at least 50 of the original complainants’ friends, her friend’s friends, family members & the list goes on. This is either hand delivered or sent by certified mail, return receipt requested, followed up by several phone calls to insure that the manager of the store is aware of the grievance, & doesn’t go away until the beleaguered manager turns over “buy one get one free coupons” to each lady on the petition, along with a well thought out, 2 page apology letter.

This is what women call turning lemons into lemonade. Men call it the ODGMISPMISIDAYAIBNLTCOS AND/OR ABIYPJMIS syndrome (Oh, Dear God, make it stop, please, make it stop, I’ll do anything you ask, including but not limited to, cessation of swearing and/or ark building, if you’ll please just make it stop). Don’t worry, ladies, the men know how to pronounce the syndrome, although they usually shorten it to an expletive. That, or some other form of universal man language.

For men, however, the conversation will only go one way. Observe:

Man 1: “Went to Bon ton to buy a shirt. They didn’t have my size.”

Man 2: “Uh-huh.”

Man 1: “Got a bigger one, tucked it in, & nobody will know.”

Man 2: “Good thinking. Do you think McNabb is going to leave Philadelphia?”

The information has been shared, the solution decided upon, & now it’s on to sports. All in little more than a few grunts. Women’s heads would spin if this was the extent of a conversation between them. And don’t even get me started on the solution that the men worked out. If a woman put a dress on that was one size too large, our butts would look too big. Can you imagine THAT little tete e tete? But, the minimalist approach works for guys. Weird, I know, but there it is.

In the end, though, it doesn’t really matter what form conversation takes. As long as the lines of communication are open, who cares? Grunt, complain, laugh, joke, pound your chest, whatever. Emotions & the ability to share them are what make us unique & human. Having good family & friends to unburden our loads in whatever form it takes, is such a blessing. Trust me; if I didn’t have my family & friends to support me, along with a few “earthly angels”, during this trying time, I doubt very much that I could be so optimistic. Leaning on them & my faith in God have gotten me so much farther than if I had to go this alone.

Sometimes, the Footprints in the Sand are all types & forms of earthly angels that God sends to do His work. Thankfully, I’ve been blessed to have been carried throughout most of this journey.

Technologically (il) Literate

2010-01-23T14:27:00.002-05:00

As a mom of three teens, I’ve relied upon them for most of my computer explaining needs. I often call them my personal “Video (Try my Product) Professors”. However, they are no longer amused, & have decided to throw me to the proverbial wolves. In fact, my daughter Aubrie said, “Mom, you have to learn this some time. We’re not always going to be around to fix everything for you.” Hmm. Why does that sound eerily familiar?

This has sent me on a journey to become technologically savvy, which is likely akin to the quest for the Holy Grail. I know it exists, I just doubt that I’ll ever attain it. Let me illustrate – with the help of my equally computer challenged friend, Michele.

We were working on a “care calendar”, which is an online organizer for people who are providing needs for the sick. The two of us were entering information like pros, & were quite pleased with ourselves. Then, I hit something on the computer & the stupid thing wouldn’t let us enter anymore information, no matter what we did. So dumb & dumber began hitting every key on the keyboard, trying to undo whatever I’d done. We must have looked like chimps as we poked at the keys, scratched our heads & screeched questions to each other. This went on for 15 minutes, until we knew we’d never figure out what I’d done. Defeated, we knew what we had to do.

Almost in unison, we hollered, “ELYSE”! Elyse is my teen daughter who was lounging (hiding) in the other room. After several attempts to get her to come, she finally accepted her fate & answered the summons. We started asking questions at the same time, however, we weren’t saying the same thing. Elyse had to shout, “Mom, Michele – one crazy at a time”. Then she rolled her eyes, sighed (heavily & audibly) & steeled herself to face her fate.

To be fair, you almost have to feel sorry for Elyse. She walked into the world of two twits, who have no earthly clue how technology works. We understand just enough to get by - & get us in trouble. Ask me about my attempt to purchase medicine online sometime. Let’s just say there is a Mexican pharmacy with my photo on the wall, & underneath is written “mujer blanca estupida” (stupid white lady).

Elyse, God bless her, immediately diagnosed our problem (although I can’t remember, or understand, what it was). And that’s when I said, “While you’re here . . . .”

I’d given Michele my old digital camera to use until she gets a new one. Silly girl, she started asking me how to use it. I pointed out that the reason I had to get a new one was BECAUSE I didn’t know how to use the one she had in her hand. The new one I’d been given was supposed to be moron proof. And that’s how Elyse was drawn even further into our little world of “crazy”. Here’s a sample of our sparkling conversation:

Michele: “What’s this do?”
Elyse: “It turns it on. Oh, & the one next to it takes the picture. Don’t do what Mom always did. She thought she was taking pictures, but she kept turning it off.”
Michele: “How do I plug this doohickey into the computer?”
Elyse: “Do you know what a memory card is?”
Me: “I tried to find it to give to her, but I don’t know where it got to.”

At this point, Elyse retrieved my new camera, pulled out the memory card & held it up.

Elyse: “Mommy, this is the reason you couldn’t find the card. Michele, you have to get one of these if you want to use the camera. Then, you take the card out & plug it in here. To get one, just go to electronics & show them the camera, point to here, & ask for what goes in there. You won’t even have to remember what it’s called. They’ll know just what to give you. Then, when you leave, they’re going to laugh at you.”

Michele: “What’s this round thing do?”
Elyse: “That’s the menu navigation. Don’t touch it. Everytime Mom did, she would end up doing something, get confused, claimed that she didn’t do anything, that it was the stupid camera’s fault, & whined until I’d fix it. If you touch it on accident, don’t do anything; just go get Alex (Michele’s teen son).”

The conversation went on for quite a while, but you get the general idea. By the time Elyse was through, she left the room muttering, “I can’t believe there’re two of them – and they FOUND each other!”

We finally got the calendar filled, two hours later. It wasn’t because the calendar was hard to work; it wasn’t. But in Lucy & Ethel’s world, finding the right button to turn the computer on can be a challenge.

On the bright side, our teens can still be roped into helping. In the future, however, we may be forced to actually, “try my product”.

How Many Kells Girls Does It Take to Put Gas in a Jeep?

2010-01-17T01:39:00.000-05:00

By way of explanation, I’m currently battling breast cancer. This is a cross over story from that blog, The Brunette Lucy vs. Breast Cancer - & Cancer Can Suck It. Before starting chemo, we found out that I’m extremely anemic. Therefore, I needed to have iron infusions. This is the story of what happened when my daughter, Elyse, drove me.

It was the morning we were to report for my first infusion, & Elyse was driving me in the Jeep. We knew we needed gas, but we figured we could wait until after my appointment. However, when on an incline, it looked as if we were going to run out before we even got out of town. We made the decision to get gas – something we should have known would end in disaster.

You see, even though Kells girls are very self sufficient, we are also spoiled by the Kells men. I can’t remember the last time I put gas in my car. Truth be told, I don’t know what half the stuff in my car does (see “I’m Too Stupid for my Car”). I just figured that since the girls got their licenses, Matt taught them how to pump their own. Instead, their brother, Dakota, has been doing it for them all this time. Imagine my surprise when I realized that between the two of us, I was the one with the most gas pumping experience – from 25 years ago before I married Matt.

Elyse pulled into the gas station, and then quickly realized that she had no idea which side of the car the gas tank was on. Looking out the door, we saw that it was on the driver’s side. Now, Elyse is very good at driving, however, after trying to figure out which side of the car we needed to pull up to, was a bit distracted. She narrowly missed hitting the tanks. Backing up, she managed to get it in place; but it was a very, very tight fit.

She got out, & I handed her the gas card. I was sitting in the warmth of the Jeep, when I noticed that she was standing there staring at the pump with my card in her hand. I knew help was necessary – MY help, though, not so much. I’m the mom, darn it, so it was up to me. Together we stood there & read the instructions on using the credit card. She finally ventured putting it in, & we were happy to see that instructions began to scroll across the screen. Elyse got the nozzle out, & we turned to open the little gas door. She pulled, nothing happened. I pulled, nothing happened. Back & forth, dumb & dumber stood there pulling at the little door. THEN, Elyse remembered – there’s a lever in the car that we needed to push that would automatically open the stubborn tank door. She made quick work of unscrewing the doohickey, & put the nozzle in. Sadly, no gas was coming out. She squeezed, I squeezed, she squeezed again, & so did I. I looked at her & asked if we didn’t just do this dance. We stood there with our mouths agape, staring at the nozzle.

Finally, a Good Samaritan, who’d apparently been quite amused watching this little display, came over. Here, we’d forgotten to turn the little lever thing down on the gas pump. He smiled, showed us what we were doing wrong, and then thought better of it. He pumped it for us, showed us how to get the card out of the machine & sent us on our way. We couldn’t help but notice as we looked in the rear view mirrors that both he & several other patrons at the gas station were laughing their butts off.

We didn’t care, though! We had gas in the Jeep, & we were on our way. Late; but on our way. And if we ever need to put gas in the Jeep again, we know just what to do. Ask for help & forget about trying to do it ourselves. Saves time.

Hey, we may be dumb, but we learn fast.

Crafts for Christmas - or Stuff I Shouldn't Do

2009-11-29T12:23:00.000-05:00

Below is a piece that ran a few years back in the Philadelphia Inquirer. However, due to my editor's snip happy fingers, the piece that made it to the paper was much abridged (thanks, Janet! Just kidding). This is the article, in its entirety.

I promise, I'll get back to "normal" writing soon! And, to my Aussie fans, send more comics!!!

I often tease about being crafty; I’m being facetious. Martha Stewart would have a heart attack at my house. The only thing we have in common is cooking. Crafting is for people with patience.

I was watching her show the other day, and she was showing off all these homemade Christmas presents. I’m sure if one of my kids had made one of them for me, I’d be THRILLED! However, these were produced to be gifted upon your children. All I could think of, though was what 16 year old wants a set of coasters made out of gift wrap? As an adult, I’d think they were adorable. But I’ve got kids who would think their mother had finally flipped her lid.

Besides, I don’t even own coasters – a magazine or newspaper works just fine, if we use anything. Plus, we have “kid friendly” furniture (translation: really cheap, easily replaceable, & with no sentimental value whatsoever.). A hole in a sock can easily be fixed with a safety pin, super glue, or just thrown away. At my house, a sewing machine would be purely decorative. But, we would get a good laugh if someone remarked that they didn’t know I sewed.

All that being said, I have to admit I actually did do something really, really crafty one year. I’d been out shopping at a mall, and just loved those huge, bushy garlands, dripping with ornaments. I went everywhere to find one to buy. Sadly, I had no luck. Well, I’ll just make one myself, I thought. That should have been my first clue – that I was thinking about crafting anything - ever.

But, once Lucy gets an idea, it’s pretty much a done deal. I bought yards and yards of garland, and wired 4 strands together to make one big bushy one. The week after my fingers healed, I set about stringing the lights. Have you ever had an electric shock? Ask me about it some time.

Two weeks, several trips to the craft store, countless bloody finger pricks & a few glue gun burns later, I stood back & congratulated myself on a massively bushy garland fit for any mall. It was time to light her up & gloat.

I probably should have considered making it closer to the banister, though – all 15 feet of it. I had to call the girls, a bunch of times. They had pretty much avoided me during this project. It was probably better that way. Even though I used made up curse words, I used them quite a bit while making my mall worthy creation.

We all began to lug what was now being called, “The Beast”, to its’ resting place. Two hours, several broken ornaments, and two irritated daughters later, we finally had “The Beast” up.

Now, I should point out that it wasn’t half bad. And, after we’d vacuumed up the mess all over my living room floor, the hall, and down the stairs, it actually looked pretty. We were ready to light it up. (You have just GOT to know what’s coming!)

I had checked the strings of light to be sure that they were working before I began. What I didn’t think about was connecting them together. Turns out, there’re “male” and “female” plugs. I’m trying to think of a way to put this delicately, so let’s just say my poor garland was celibate.

I’m fairly sure my scream could be heard two towns over. That, and the torrent of made up curse worse that seemed to flow from my mouth as if a damn had been burst & words I didn’t even know I knew spewed forth like molten lava, rolling gleefully & with utter abandon from my mouth.

Aubrie and Elyse were laughing, not knowing that I was about to turn my wrath on them. As soon as they saw my face, they ran faster than a Mormon missionary from a bar at happy hour. Yep, I’d proven again that I was no Martha Stewart.

I stood there glaring at The Beast. Then, I fumed, fussed, plotted, planned & even cajoled. There was NO WAY I was taking all those ornaments off that stupid garland to start over. Finally, a decision was made. I squared my shoulders, lifted my chin, grabbed my purse & went to the store for more lights. I planned to drape them over, under, & around the decorations, making a chain to plug all the lights into together.

By the time I was done, I lit that bad boy up – and, boy did it ever LIGHT UP! If I’d known Morse code, I could have signaled a space invasion from opposite sides of the planet. Fortunately – for the family – no one said a word about the brief interruption in power, or the fact that their eyes were burning as surely as if they had been staring at the sun.

They oohed & ahhed, & told me what a lovely job I’d done (after they’d pilfered through their rooms to find sunglasses). They didn’t think I’d noticed that they occasionally glanced nervously at the sky in the event an errant plane thought it had found its runway.

But it was done, it was up, & I was finished! I’d had my fill of crafts for Christmas for, well, ever. My new motto is if I can’t buy it, we don’t need it. And if I want it badly enough, I can usually whine & annoy someone else to do it for me. To me, Martha, THAT’S a good thing.

It’s been a few years now, and I’ve learned a thing or two. Dogs and the beast don’t get along well. As they bound up the stairs, their tails inevitably break a few ornaments or take out a string of lights. By the time we take it down, the beast looks like a Charlie Brown Christmas tree. The next year, we tie it to the banister and THEN replace broken or tattered ornaments. We don’t even bother re-doing the lights. We just drape new strings on top of the old ones. Once it’s lit, though, you can barely notice (that’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it).

So, if you come to my house at Christmas time, feel free to admire the Beast. Word of advice, however; don’t look too closely or allow a body part to come into contact with it. Remember that shock thing??

The Cell Phone Wars

2009-11-01T14:49:00.000-05:00

When it comes to technology, I’m like pitting Gomer Pyle against Steven Hawking. My kids keep trying to drag me into this century, but I always manage to find something to hold onto.

However, I have had a cell phone for a few years. But, only as a matter of convenience. You know, the car broke down, I’m at the grocery store, do we need anything? Having one and knowing what it can do are two very different things.

So, when my husband, Matt, looked at my cell bills and realized that we were paying $45.00 a month for over 600 minutes, but I only used around 30, he decided it was time for a change. Of course, I whined like a toddler being weaned from the pacifier. After 2 years, I pretty much figured out how to use the phone I had. But, logic won. We switched to one of those “pay as you go” phones. He asked what I wanted in a phone. And here was my simple list:

1. Must be a flip phone. I know this is old school, but I’ve always felt that a phone should be large enough that you actually know that it’s there. I did have one of those small ones for a while, but I always felt like Andre the Giant using a paper cup and string. When people would call, I’d hold it to my ear to hear, then move it to my mouth to speak. Ear, mouth, ear, mouth – honestly, I must have looked like a chipmunk on crack. That phone didn’t last long.

2. Must have a large address book. For years, I lugged around a large organizer, solely to keep people’s phone numbers and email addresses. It took a while to understand how handy the “contacts” portion of my cell was. The only problem I have is that I can’t figure out how to put spaces between each word. Fortunately, we homeschool, so I can decipher pretty much anything.

3. Must ring LOUD and vibrate. It had to be loud, because I can never hear those things. The vibrating feature was a must as the stupid thing was usually at the bottom of my purse. The vibrating allowed me to reach in and find it; or at least give me a shot at it. Bonus, I usually find loose change.

Matt bought the phone that had all my criteria. When we got it home, my daughter, Elyse, had a chance to look it over. She exclaimed, “Mom, this is a camera phone! Now you don’t have to try to fish your camera out of that suitcase you call a purse!” I, of course, am thinking, oh, great, something with a lens. I wonder how fast it’ll take me to break this bad boy.

She played with it a while, then asked if I’d like to try to take a picture. She pointed to a button on the side and explained that all I have to do is point and shoot. I held the lens thingy to my eye, and told her I couldn’t see anything. “Is this thing on? Elyse, I can’t see anything!” I kept squinting through the little hole, but nothing.

Of course, my family is in stitches on the floor. I couldn’t understand what was so darned funny. We just got this thing, and it’s broken. Finally, they turned the phone around and explained that I was trying to see through the part that was taking the actual pictures. The “view finder” was the big screen on the other side.

The stupid phone also came equipped with “blue tooth” technology. This is where you get this small device to stick in your ear, to both hear & SPEAK! I looked at it & thought, “Beam me up, Scotty”. Then I laughed really hard & gave it to the Boy.

Another feature on my new little gadget is the speaker phone. I had no clue until I hit the button by mistake, and suddenly everyone at the grocery store knew we were out of toilet paper. Of course, I didn’t know how to turn it off, so I just hung up (and got the toilet paper).

So, yes, I’m far behind when it comes to this new age of technology. But, so what? Most of my friends are in the same boat. And, if you’d like a laugh, give me a call on my cell. I can pretty much guarantee that you’ll hear something like, “Why can’t I hear anything? What did I just do? Is this thing on?”

Whatever happened to 70's sticom characters?

2009-10-17T13:54:00.001-04:00

A friend of mine asked an innocent question, whatever happened to the first Mrs. Brady? Being a writer, & sometimes a very evil writer, I responded with this a very scary story. I probably shouldn't post it here, though. It might give you nightmares; I can be extremely evil (especially when you take into consideration that I was working on my crime thriller). Next, I was asked whatever happened to Carol Brady’s first husband. This is what I conjured up for him:

Carol's 1st hubby was a door to door candy salesman. Turns out, he was peddling more than candy. It also turns out, he liked men. One day, he was caught by his lover's partner, who flew into a jealous rage & promptly beat him to death. At the funeral, Carol looked into the coffin & said, "I guess life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get".

Another friend then asked, what about the original Mr. Partridge? Here we go!

Mr. Partridge owned a successful greenhouse. Unbeknownst to Shirley, he was also a secret agent who'd stumbled upon a plot to kill the President. Through a series of recorded wire taps, he captured the evidence. He was going to give the tapes to his superiors, when he was attacked by his adversary in his nursery. His boss managed to get to him, as he was breathing his last, laboured breaths. "Where did you hide the evidence?" Gasping for air, he whispered, "in . . . . the . . . . pear tree."

And, the last of the 70’s sitcom history. Whatever happened to Mel from Alice?

It took some digging, but I FINALLY found out what happened to Mel. After selling the diner, he moved to Las Vegas to do some gambling. Being a hard worker, he quickly grew tired & took a job as a chef in a high end restaurant. The problem was, he couldn't get used to the new lingo. Java for coffee, pasta for noodles, etc., & was constantly messing up. After weeks of being yelled at, he'd finally had enough. He picked up a steaming pot of polenta & dumped it over the boss' head. As he was being led to jail (where he had a heart attack & sadly, died), a waitress asked, "Mel, why'd you do it??" Over his shoulder, he hollered back, "Miss my grits"

You know, I have to walk around with all this stuff going through my mind! Aren’t you glad you’re you??

My Glamorous Birthday

2009-09-26T17:21:00.002-04:00

I woke up at the crack of 8:00 (ish). It takes a good half hour between waking up to physically getting out of bed due to whining about how much I hate mornings, hitting the snooze button a few hundred times, complaining about my aching back, & checking to see if there’s an errant dog or two to step over.

Then, it’s on to makeup. Now, folks, when you’re as old as I am, makeup is no longer optional! This procedure takes about 45 minutes, as I have to use industrial strength spackle to fill in my lines & wrinkles. And even though it’s strong, I have to wait a few minutes for it to dry so I can apply the second coat & then sand it down. Next comes all the concealing, de-puffing, & artificial colour additions to my pasty, white face. Why didn’t my Grandmother’s Native American genes get passed to me?

Next, comes the clothing ritual. Men, cover your ears for this part. I gather my boobs up from around my waist & spend about 10 minutes stuffing them into my bra. It takes a while, because gravity keeps insisting that they remain right where they are. After this, I slip into something a little less comfortable – Spanx.

After I’d struggled & done some Olympic worthy gymnastic moves, I finally managed to bring the Spanx up to where it’s supposed to be. Only to end up with a muffin top. This you have to stuff back down into the, well, let’s just call it what it is, girdle. Where is gravity when you need it? When this fun little exercise in futility is over, you notice that your rear is peeking out at odd angles. It, too, must be stuffed; this time, UP into the girdle.

Although this is a little off point, I feel that it begs to be said. Men, unlike women, would NEVER EVER EVER do any of the things we do. I’ve seen 350 pound men on the beach wearing nothing but a Speedo. At least, I HOPE he’s wearing a Speedo. You can’t tell because his gut is covering most of his mid-section & his back hair looks like a sweater. Then, he’ll strut down the beach like he should be on the cover of Playgirl. A woman, however, will stress over gaining a single pound, buy the most restrictive bathing suit with a built in girdle to mask as many (what we see as) “flaws” as is humanly possible.

Furthermore, a woman will dry herself off in the shower & have her robe on before she gets out to avoid seeing herself naked in the mirror. A man will get out of the shower soaking wet, stand there admiring himself, & turn to you saying, “Hey baby, like what you see?” As he’s patting his protruding belly. I am firmly convinced that God is a man.

Then, we go on to clothes & hair. Clothes usually take a while because I still keep a couple of dresses whose size I’ve surpassed. But, ever the optimist, I’ve just got to try one or two on, in case of a miracle. My hair is another ½ hour. Those of you who’ve seen me, know that it’s pretty long, so I wear it up (age appropriate). This entails a barrage of bobby pins & enough hair spray to put a boulder sized hole in the ozone layer directly above my house.

After the torturous morning rituals, I was off on an equally glamorous trip – Walmart. The dogs need bones & food – again. Even though we buy dog food in 50 pound bags, I have to purchase it once, sometimes twice, a week. The kids need cereal & cereal accoutrements, as they went through 2 gallons of milk in one morning. It’s also time to gather more laundry supplies. And, of course, I need more hair spray.

Now, on to the pharmacy to collect the medicines that are now necessary for my existence. Water pills, thyroid pills, blood pressure pills, ulcer pills, etc. Man, I long for the days when I only had to take ONE little pill.

Next stop on my exciting birthday adventure was the liquor store. I’m hoping against hope that there will be something, anything that has the ability to make one happy on the one hand, yet forget your age on the other. I know, good luck with that one. However, as some of you know, I found a decent bottle of wine. I mean the liquid kind, not my normal “whine”. Then it was back home to tackle the laundry. I’d finally cleaned the mountain of clothes from vacation, when several foot hills sprung up in its place.

Thankfully, I didn’t have to cook dinner. Friday nights at our house is hot wings & pizza night. Since Matt used to make them in the restaurant, Friday night’s meal preparation falls to him. Of course, he wanted to make the day special, so he purchased ready made dough balls. He even bought a “gourmet” sauce. Now, I know Michele is going to think I have lost my sense of taste, but honestly, one pizza sauce tastes pretty much the same as any other. Of course, I didn’t tell Matt that. It was so sweet that he went that extra mile.

And before any of you think that my Matt is a slouch in the romance department (Krista, get your mind out of the gutter), he was adorable. He came home with a dozen long stemmed red roses, a beautiful card & a bottle of expensive perfume. What he didn’t know, however, is that the perfume he so lovingly picked out makes me sneeze. I already have a full bottle on my dressing table. That little nugget of information will never reach his ears, however. He’ll think it’s the best perfume I’ve ever smelled, even as he’s wondering if I have hay fever due to all the sneezing.

But, all in all, it was a terrific day. After dinner, I grabbed my cheap bottle of wine & Matt & I went out to the Jacuzzi (where I promptly fell asleep). But, being old, I’ll remember this birthday completely different than it actually was. I’ll look back with fond thoughts (aka delusions) of breakfast in bed, being lavished with sparkly baubles, riding in a convertible for the parade thrown in my honour, & the 7 course gourmet meal & champagne that was brought on golden dishes & fed to me by young, handsome waiters who vied for my attention. It could happen - sigh. But,

7 course gourmet meal, $500.00
Sparkly baubles, convertible for the parade, $100,000.00

Having good friends, terrific children, & a husband who adores me – Priceless.

Tamara & Michele's Excellent Adventure

2009-08-28T14:24:00.004-04:00

Well, we’re back.  And, thank God Michele went with me.  Apparently, the Garmin was programmed incorrectly (who could have seen that one coming).  Had we followed the directions that the computer kept screaming at us, we’d have unintentionally been Thelma & Louise.  I say that because I’m quite certain that it would have launched us off a bridge & into the Schuylkill River.

We wandered around the Sports complex section of Philadelphia.  Michele saved the day, because she spotted the NovaCare Center.  We finally made it there.

We were going up the stairs to the building, when Michele suggested I take a picture.  Well, as she said, “After that guy gets out of the way”.  The guy was taking way too much time to get down the stairs, & Michele was getting a little annoyed - & who could blame her.
That’s when it hit me, & I reached out my hand & said, “Mr. McNabb?  My name is Tamara Kells.”  Yup, it was quarterback Donovan McNabb.  I was happy just to have met him, when Michele said “go take a picture with him!!”  So I did, after I stopped shaking. He was very nice, asked some questions & was more than patient with me. It was hard for me not to pinch his cute little cheeks.

We made it into the building, when I began to notice some of the Eagles were, in fact, in said building.  Now, had I known that, I would have studied the roster so I could call them by their names.  Instead, we just watched them all go by & smiled & said hello.  Now THAT was surprising – the fact that they were there & I didn’t stop them even if I didn’t know their names.  And, no, I didn’t see Michael Vick. That I know of. It’s probably a good thing that Big John Runyan wasn’t there. He’s my favorite Eagle of all time.

Derek came down, & brought out a big ol’ box, filled with Eagles t-shirts.  We pulled the car up, & he loaded it into the trunk.  He was very sweet, told me that what we were doing was really nice, & that if I needed anything else, to let him know (he doesn’t know me very well, does he?).  Bonus, he was really cute.

It was too early to go to the Phillies, so Michele took me to Tony Luke’s.  Apparently, I was supposed to be impressed, but I’d never heard of this place.  This quickly became evident to Michele, who thought I should be admitted to the nearest hospital for crazy people (not that she would have been far from wrong).

Still, good food.  Then, it was on to the Phillies.

We went into the wrong parking lot at first.  A really, really sweet girl helped me by taking me into the building to an office where I was directed to the right place.  At this point, I should note that the gate I went through to go into said office was one way only.  I was on the wrong side of the gate, while Michele & the car were on the other.  Thankfully, she noticed my plight, & opened the door for me.  If not, I’d still be wandering around aimlessly, begging for alms.

We finally get to the right area, but, sadly, the office was a good clip from where we’d parked.  Normally, a light walk wouldn’t have been a problem.  But, noooo.  I’d decided to wear a wedged pair of heels.  My feet were killing me, & I was wobbling all the way there.  I kept glancing at Michele, wondering if she was strong enough to give me a piggy back ride.  I decided against it, since I couldn’t guarantee Alex that I’d get her home safe & sound as it was (due to traffic, the long drive & my driving “skills”).  However, if I delivered her with a sprained or paralyzed spine, I somehow doubt he’d let her accompany me on any future excellent adventures.  I carried on like a trooper (a big, whiney trooper).

We made it into the building & met Scott Palmer.  He took us into the elevator, & the next thing we knew, we were on a behind the scenes tour of the ballpark.  A very, very quick paced tour.  Mr. Palmer, aka Jesse Owens, seemed to think we were prepared for a nice jog.
We went into the clubhouse, & Michele took pictures of all of the guy’s (I don't know what they’re called) locker thingys. We saw the batting cages, went out onto the ball park, & Michele was able to take a picture with the World Series trophy. Thankfully, Mr. Palmer took the picture, as I couldn’t take a clear picture of a snail taking a nap. I think I may have annoyed Mr. Palmer, though, because the first thing that came out of my unedited mouth was, "Gee, this is a lot smaller than a football field".

Michele was able to keep up the brisk pace.  I (however) was lagging behind, concentrating on not falling off my shoes & breaking my ankle.  And if that wasn’t enough to keep me occupied, I began to have heat flashes.  But a good scout is never unprepared, so I fished a fan out of my purse.  I was able to surreptitiously fan myself until we rounded a corner.  I dropped the fan.

Michele should really consider trying out for the Phillies.  That girl practically dove to pick it up before our guide could see.  But, ever the spry guy, he turned around & noticed.  Good times.

We FINALLY made it to Palmer’s office for, “the interview”.  He left & brought back some woman, who is their veteran’s affairs representative.  We sat & listened to the stories of what they do for soldiers. And honestly, it’s impressive the work they do behind the scenes.  I have to give them that.  They listed all the good things they do; & all without recognition.  So, kudos to them – seriously.

That was when I decided to ask if they would at least send something over to Rick & his unit.  And they said YES!!!

They even went one step further.  Mr. Palmer would like Rick’s APO address, & they’ll see to it that his unit receives some type of care package.  My paper wouldn’t even have to pay the postage.  I’ll send that to him (Palmer, aka Jesse Owens) tomorrow, with a reminder that a lot of people’s eyes will be on him.  Hopefully, the kids will get some cool stuff.

So, there you have it, folks, Tamara & Michele’s excellent adventure.  And, again, I can’t thank Michele enough for accompanying me on it.  If not for her excellent navigational skills, I’d probably still be wandering around Philadelphia, the shore, the mountains, or Delaware.

Tomorrow, I’m off to interview Kurt Landes, the GM of the Iron Pigs, Phillies’ minor league team.  This time, I’m wearing flat shoes & I’m tossing the Garmin out the window.  It’s only Allentown, after all.  How lost can I get?

Wait, never mind.

I'm Too Stupid for my Car

2009-08-08T10:51:00.006-04:00

I'm posting Kimberly Hedrick's favourite article. This appeared in T&C about 2 years ago.

I’m Too Stupid For My Car:

My husband, Matt, & I finally bought a new car. A brand new sporty Pontiac Grand Prix. To make a long story short, we’ve never in our married life paid more than $2500 for ANY car. I’ve been driving a 20 year old Chrysler for what seems like forever. I quickly became amazed & confused at the technology in these “new fangled contraptions”. Which, of course, meant I would never in a million years be able to figure it all out. No surprise there, I guess. Compared to this, my old car was the Fred Flintstone buggy in a Jetson world. And, trust me folks, I’m much more comfortable in the stone ages. Allow me to tell you about the many features my car has, how I found out about them, & how badly I use them.

The first thing I found out was that the windshield wipers work – really, really well. How did I find that out, you ask? Well, we were bringing it home from the dealership on a beautiful, sunny day. The kids were in the car with me & Matt followed in his van. We were SOOO ready to look all cool in my sporty new car. And that’s when it happened. I accidentally hit the windshield wipers, & couldn’t for the life of me figure out how to turn them off. All 20 miles to my house, they were going at seemingly warp speed. The kids gradually slid down in their seats so as not to be seen with the crazy lady with the wipers on. I look in the rear view mirror & see Matt laughing so hard I thought he was going to get in an accident. This should have been my first clue that this was going to be WAY tougher than I thought.

My car came with Onstar. I’ve heard of it, but didn’t have a clue what it was or what it did. With that feature, my car has its own phone & number – ITS OWN PHONE NUMBER!! Man, it’s like Kit from Knight Rider with a Neanderthal at the wheel. The buttons for this curious new piece of technology are located discreetly in the rear view mirror (that, I know how to work – the mirror, I mean). There’s the phone button, the Onstar button & the emergency button. Thankfully, the emergency button is spaced farther over & has red markings. Unfortunately, the phone & Onstar buttons are right next to each other. (You’ve got to know where this is going). I love the phone feature, because I don’t have to find my cell phone, which is always at the bottom of my purse. So I use this feature, a lot. However, I seem to always push Onstar instead of the phone button. The operator comes on & says, “Hello, Mrs. Kells, what can I do for you today?” They were so sweet. But after getting it wrong for the hundredth time, this is what I get now: “Mrs. Kells (heavy sigh), did you push the wrong button again??” I was very proud, though, when one day I pushed the Onstar button by mistake. I searched my brain frantically for a reason other than the obvious, I’m an idiot. Ah-hah! I came up with, “Bubba! Did you hit that button? Bad dog! Sorry about that!” Happy with my quick thinking, I hung up - & hit the phone button on accident.

The car has an on board computer, that can tell me how many miles I can drive on the current tank of gas, the weather, if the tire pressure is low, & so on. It actually sends a monthly email to my husband, after giving itself a check up! This feature makes me laugh really hard. If I can't operate two simple buttons on a mirror, what in the world would I do with an entire computer? Besides, if I even tried to touch it, it would probably tell Matt on me.

Another cool little feature is that I can remote start my car up to 500 feet with my key chain. Honestly, at first, I was afraid to use it. I figured that as soon as a car this advanced had the opportunity to get away, I’d be staring at the tail lights. To this day, as I approach, I swear I see the headlights narrow like a child glaring at a spoonful of cough syrup. All the little computers are trying to decide if escape is possible. I wonder if it knows that even if it does manage to flee, Onstar will find it. Take THAT – stupid car!

All in all, all this technology is pretty much wasted on me. Maybe in a few years I’ll have figured out what all the buttons do. Right now, I’m afraid to touch the wrong one for fear I’ll find I have an ejector seat. Imagine my panic when it began to get dark & I couldn’t figure out how to turn the lights on! But, it has a nice, smooth ride, unlike the tank I used to drive. And, the kids & Matt know how things work (even Dakota, the 11 year old boy!). So, until I get used to it, I’ll have to always have one of them in the car with me. Too bad, though, because it has a really cool sound system. Guess it’ll be a while before I can blast Def Leppard. Oh, well. Times are changing, & either you go with it, or get out of the way. I’m looking into turning invisible.

Fire - again (sigh)

2009-07-12T15:44:00.006-04:00

Yup, more fire to report. And this time, it wasn’t at the shore; it was in my kitchen.

I put a large pot of water on to boil & left the room for a moment. When I returned, smoke was billowing from the kitchen. I round the corner & was horrified to see a ball of fire on my stove. Turns out, I lit the wrong burner & the stack of pot holders on the stove was a glorious fire ball. I grabbed the small section that wasn’t on fire & threw the bulk of the burning cloths into the sink & doused them with water. However, being new to fire fighting, I didn’t realize that would increase the already choking level of smoke.

Ever the Ethel to my Lucy, Elyse ran in to help (that's her picture up top).

We managed to get the last of the fireball into the sink & decided that we would perish soon if we didn’t open windows & turn off the air conditioner. I should point out at this time that our house is old, & the windows are heavy. We rush over & begin to lift the beast, when I lost my grip. The heavy window came crashing down, & smashed Elyse’s finger. So now I’m tending to Elyse’s finger, the house is rapidly filling with smoke, I knew I had to open the window & I should turn the a/c off. If this isn’t a recipe for disaster, I don’t know what is.

Finally, we determined that Elyse’s finger wasn’t broken, & had some of the windows & doors open, when Matt comes up the stairs & into the mix. Realizing that this was, in fact, an actual emergency, & not just one of my Lucy moments, he began to help open the other windows. While he’s opening other windows, he’s muttering about the “blankety blank” smoke detector not going off & how we could have all been killed & what was I thinking turning on the burner & leaving the room?

Boy’s friends were over at the time, & like moths to a flame, were anxious to get their front row seat to the screaming woman, injured daughter, smoke filled, man cursing carnival that was playing out before their eyes. I half expected one of them to ask if we had popcorn.

We managed to get the smoke out of the house, yet there’s still a tinge of the odor when I turn on the oven. But, thankfully, we’re all safe & the house didn’t burn down around us. Yet.

A Dog Named Bubba

2009-06-12T14:44:00.003-04:00

Our family adopted our labs two years ago. Their original names weren’t dumb enough, so we changed them to Bubba & Mae-B (pronounced “maybe”). They were 3 & 4, respectively. Mae-B is your normal, yellow lab. She’s loving, playful, & willing to go anywhere with anyone at any time as long as they pet her. Bubba, on the other hand, is her polar opposite. He’s black, the size of a small pony, &, sadly, stupid; really, really stupid, but in a good, cute way. We also surmised that he had been abused, as he was quite skittish & never wagged his tail. I used to inspect it to see if it was broken somewhere. Of course, my husband, Matt, would make fun of me & ask where I got my vet training.

When we first got him home, my daughter, Aubrie (the dog whisperer), was the only one he wanted to be around. She’d walk into a room, & right behind her was her shadow. But, she loves him & he loves her right back. Next to gain his trust was Elyse & Dakota, followed by me. Matt is just now getting his grudging seal of approval. He's quite the comic, even though he never means to be.

Bubba had a Flintstone sized bone that he carried around the house. Between his size, & the added width of the bone, he had trouble fitting though doors. Honestly, it is pretty funny watching this goliath trying over & over – think pinball machine & you’ve got the visual. If we were nice people, we’d probably have turned his head for him. Seriously, though, it was just too funny. He’s afraid to drop it because Mae-B would pick it up. The ensuing tug of war is comical.

Bubba hates change as much as Britney Spears hates underwear (& apparently, long term relationships). Matt recently installed a tile floor in the kitchen. When Bubba saw it, you could literally see what he was thinking. “Are you people KIDDING me?” He often loses his footing. & ends up sliding on it as if it was ice. This, of course, freaks him out & he runs away. Well, kind of runs away. It takes him a few seconds to catch his footing. In the meantime, his legs are going a mile a minute & he looks like he should be in a cartoon.

Bubba is finally wagging his tail, & I kind of wish he didn’t learn. With one swipe, he took out a string of lights at Christmas. He’s knocked over lamps, tables, & the occasional kid. If I hear something crash, I don’t even have to wonder what happened. I just yell to the kids, “Bubba?”

But on the bright side, he loves us & we love him right back. He may not be the brightest bulb on the planet, but he's ours. And we couldn't be more happy.

Fire at Shore

2009-05-15T10:56:00.002-04:00

FIRE AT THE SHORE!

On last year's trip to the shore, we had not one, but two close calls with fires. The first one came after my beloved mother in law, Gretchen, helped dry Dakota’s clothes. He’d been in the ocean. She put the oven on low, put his pants & hoodie in the oven, & dried them successfully.

The following day, Elyse’s clothes were also wet (this time from the now traditional tsunami that swept through). Remembering her Grandmother’s ingenuity, she, too, used the oven to dry her clothes. However, being new to the subtleties of oven drying, she put her pants directly on the heating element. And, to speed the drying process, put the oven on 350 degrees. Needless to say, we smelled smoke.

Thankfully, Matt removed the fire ball that had been Elyse’s jeans & was able to douse the flames. Smoke filled the room, & we were concerned that the fire department would be summoned shortly. Which they were.

The following day, a new “neighbor” moved into the apartment next door. She was an odd woman, but sweet. She entertained nightly & seemed to have an aversion to being inside her apartment. Outside in the shared hall drew the lion’s share of the crowd. Massive quantities of alcohol were consumed. We knew this due to the many, many empty bottles surrounding the extra large common trash receptacle. But, that was nothing compared to her cooking habits.

Apparently she enjoyed barbequing so much that she brought down a miniature hibachi. As most folks do, she set about getting the coals ready. Unlike some, she appeared to use half a bottle of lighter fluid on this miniature hibachi. She withdrew into her room to take a “nap” & let the coals get hot. I say “nap” because I think that sounds better than “passed out”.

And, yes, the coals got hot. In fact, flames erupted, & lept to the balcony above. Rousing our neighbor proved futile, so Matt & some others were able to douse the flames. Right before the fire department got there.

Normal people, upon finding that they almost burnt down an entire block, would determine that this wasn’t, perhaps, the best course of action to pursue. Our neighbor, however, did not. She tried again, & this time, thankfully, with no further incident. That being said, Matt & I had the kids throw their clothes into our suitcase. We wanted to be prepared in the event that we’d have to flee to avoid becoming our neighbor’s main course.

Thankfully, the remainder of the weekend went by smoothly. But.... This year's trip was not without incident. I'll write more about, "The Bird", later. In my crazy life, it's always something.

After all, I AM the Brunette Lucy!

Back from Ocean City

2009-05-13T19:01:00.004-04:00

We're back from our vacation to Ocean City, NJ! We actually had good weather - for once. Matt didn't even have to bring out the parkas, inflatable boats, ark supplies, nothing! Sadly, he wasn't sure what to do with himself.

Boy decided that a dip in the ocean was a good idea. Of course, the ocean water was still freezing. It took a while to defrost him. I was a little worried about brain damage for a while, though. He wanted to go back in. Sigh. Fortunately, he's completely thawed, & his lips aren't that weird shade of blue anymore.

Thankfully, Elyse didn't light her pants on fire this time. Aubrie didn't get sick, Matt only got mildly sunburned, & I did what I do best - shopped.

We left feeling great & Ocean City was still standing. Of course, the kids have standing orders never to look back. Just in case.

Flood Alert!

2009-05-06T13:00:00.002-04:00

Just wanted to make everyone aware. There will be rain like you've never seen this weekend. How can I say that with such certainty? Because, our family is going down to Ocean City for a long Mother's Day weekend.

We've been doing this for 21 years, & it has never failed. It rains, and rains, and rains. I'm not talking scattered showers or your run of the mill rain storms. I'm talking about torrential, sideways, build an ark fast, type of rain. Oh, & wind. Almost hurricane force wind, & ocean swells of several feet. This is so that even if you can find a place to take shelter along the boardwalk, a small tidal wave will most certainly find you. Only industrial strength umbrellas can withstand the force. And even they have turned themselves inside out.

Another thing you can be sure of is that Sunday will be beautiful. The sun will come out in all its glory; reminiscent of the type of glorious scene Noah saw. The wind will be a gentle breeze, & the weather will be a balmy 80. Why do I know this? Because we leave on Sunday. This, too, has never failed.

Well, I've got to go. We're packing up now. Matt's loading lumber & tools on top of the van, along with schematics for rapid ark building.

Twitter stuff

2009-04-20T11:41:00.006-04:00

I have an account on Twitter. I have no clue how to use it. So, I've taken to writing really dumb "musings". Then, I stumbled upon a link in Twitter, that linked it to the blog. So, even if you don't use it, you can still see how dumb my musings really are. And, if you know what I'm actually supposed to be doing on Twitter, would you put me out of my misery? And, probably anyone else that decides to "follow" me. The link is on the left of this page.

This ought to be good!

Boys & Girls

2009-04-09T14:48:00.001-04:00

BOYS & GIRLS

When my girls were little, they played with Barbies. They’d raid my closet, jewelry box & makeup to play dress up. But, not in the creepy, “Toddlers in Tiaras”, beauty contest kind of way. We watched sweet “videos” like “The Little Mermaid” & “Aladdin”.

When they had their friends over, they held tea parties. I’d make little peanut butter & jelly sandwiches, put in their favourite video & they danced around & sang like happy little idiots . I’d do their hair & let them play with my makeup. Who cared if they got lipstick over most of their face? That’s why God made face cream. I didn’t have to explain to their friends’ moms why I was returning their children looking like clowns. They knew exactly what had happened. Aubrie & Elyse came home plenty of times with blue eye shadow that was deposited in greater quantity on their foreheads than eyelids.

Enter The Boy, Dakota. When he was little, the girls drew him into their make believe world. They considered him their own walking, talking doll. That boy wore more makeup, bows, dresses, wigs & sequins than most 3 year old boys should ever have to endure. They’d take that cute little curl at the top of his head & attach some type of bow or barrette (complete with rhinestones) to hold it firmly in place. I still have a picture of him in a tutu, holding a wand. The girls & their friends were gathered around him, giddy with their masterpiece.

Then, The Boy grew up. And he has friends. Friends who are also boys. Remember all that fun, squishy girl stuff I spoke longingly about? Well, just throw that out the window. Boys are different. Really, really different. My entire mindset was to be changed. And not necessarily for the better.

The days of dressing up in frilly clothes have been replaced by dressing up as Darth Vader. Of course, Boy had to have the Darth Vader mask, which comes complete with a voice distorter & heavy breathing. Remember when that WASN’T a good thing – the heavy breathing, I mean?

The cute fairy wands are now light sabers. Boy tells his friends to bring theirs over, & the battle ensues. Unfortunately, most of the wars have been waged in my living room. The casualties, sadly, have been pieces of art, pictures & lamps. Thankfully, Matt & I planned for that. We only buy cheap stuff so that if it gets broken, it’s not so bad. I didn’t, however, plan for how much was to be broken at the hands of Boy & his friends! On the bright side, I get to change the look of my living room every six months or so.

The dulcet sounds of the Little Mermaid singing, “Wandering free, Wish I could be, Part of that world” have been replaced with the sound of swords clashing & voices yelling, “en guarde”. The only music that’s played comes from Rock Band. The songs are usually some grunge band that seems to be particularly irritated about one thing or another. What, I have no idea. I don’t understand a word they say. I’m told that the words are scrolled across the top of the screen. Problem is, they’re so small, I need binoculars to read them. That’s ok, as I somehow doubt I want to know what it is they’re lamenting, no, make that screaming, about.

Soft, stuffed teddy bears are now walking, talking robots. Robots that screech, “Intruder alert, intruder alert”. Night vision & spy gear are littered throughout our house. Boy even rigged the entrance to his room with some type of electric beam. Now, whenever I go in there, an alarm blares & the robots attack.

Barbies have been replaced with GI Joe & army men. His room is more often than not a war zone. He has army men & tanks stationed all over, readying for the imaginary war. Tanks with flashing lights & realistic battle sounds. Loud realistic battle sounds. Pillows are mountains, rugs are lakes, dressers are cliffs, & the army men are strategically placed all over them. I’m beginning to think Boy will end up being in the military. At least he could use his stealth battle plans to some type of use. Hopefully, not for evil.

Food lasts in my house about as long as it takes me to get it out of the grocery bags. I’m constantly begged to get the normal, kid “staples”. You know, Fritos, soda, cupcakes, & anything that’s sweet, salty, full of preservatives or fried. Stuff that makes me gain weight just being in its vicinity. I do wonder, though, if there’s some type of growth hormone in junk food. Boy & his friends are shooting up like fireworks.

Yes, there’s a difference between boys & girls; don’t let anybody tell you otherwise. And if you don’t believe me, have yourself one or three. But the differences are funny, baffling, heart wrenching, hilarious, & just about every adjective under the sun. I wouldn’t change one second of every minute with my kids.

Now, bring on the grand babies!

Hoping to Write

2009-04-01T14:08:00.003-04:00

Last night, I went to the library to hear a well known author, Jonathan Maberry, speak. He was telling us about the nuts & bolts of the writing business. Sadly, as I had thought, my genre (a sad attempt at humor) isn’t in demand these days. Boogers.

I was hoping to hear that the people whose style I attempt to invoke, such as Erma Bombeck, Dave Barry, etc. were in demand. Heavy Sigh & dashed hopes!

On the bright side, I can still write & bother you, you lucky minions! Ok, I’m done.

Snoring

2009-03-22T16:06:00.000-04:00

My husband, Matt, snores like a bear. As a matter of fact, when we were first married, I barely slept the night through. It didn’t matter if he was lying down, or relaxing in his easy chair. As soon as we fell asleep, the sounds that resonated from that man were heard in every part of our house.

I went in search of every ear plug known to man. I put in foam plugs that were supposed to mold to my ear, thus eliminating any sound from getting in. Problem with those, however, were that they felt weird. I couldn’t take them for long, as I’d have to pull them out & then clean my ears. I tried plastic & water filled ones & even an industrial pair given to me by my Uncle Warren. Nothing. Either they were too much of a pain to keep in, they didn’t work, or they worked so well, I couldn’t hear my alarm clock.

So, I did what humans have an uncanny ability to do – adjust. I got used to the sound of a freight train next to me all night. I even stopped worrying about the pictures on the wall falling on me.

When the kids were babies, Matt would hold them on his massive chest in his chair. They grew up thinking all men snored loud enough to rattle pictures. When they were cranky, Matt would get them, sit in his chair, fall asleep & snore. This would put them right out. I have a myriad of pictures of this big man with these tiny babies sound asleep on their daddy. As they got older, nightmares or thunderstorms would send them into our room. We’d set up beds, & they’d fall fast asleep listening to Matt snore. Thunderstorms had nothing on him!

Then, one day, we found out that he needed surgery on his heart. They did test after test, including a sleep study. It was determined that Matt had one of the worst cases of sleep apnea they’d ever seen, which exacerbated what would be considered “normal” snoring. The sleep study guy said that he had no idea how I ever managed to fall asleep next to him!

After his successful heart surgery (& many hours of my worrying about him), he was sent home with a breathing device that made him look like Darth Vader. He was to put this device over his nose & mouth, thus forcing a constant amount of air so that he would get a full night’s rest. Problem was, it also stopped the snoring.

Yup, I said that was a problem! I went from sleeping next to a bear to complete & total silence. It was AWFUL! I entertained thoughts of pulling the mask off, just so I could hear the ever present sound. I thought better of it, though, as it was saving his life. Boogers. Not the life saving part, the part that he didn’t snore anymore.

And that’s when the irony hit me. At first, I tried to drown out his snoring. And now, after 20 years, I desperately wanted it back. Like the old saying, “You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone”. So often in life, that saying holds true. How good we have it, but take it for granted. Or, worse, don’t notice.

I’m adjusting, slowly, to the lack of a rumbling train sleeping next to me. Of course, I had to buy a big ol’ fan that made a lot of noise. Still, if adjusting yet again is the benefit of having my big Matt around for a long time, then, I’ll adjust.

Besides, I still get my “fix”. When he falls asleep watching TV (which is pretty much nightly), I hear the now comforting, and missed, roar of a freight train. And I’m happy to hear my dear friend & husband making it.

Tamara Kells Website

2009-03-22T13:49:00.001-04:00

Yup, I managed to build my own website! Check it out; if you dare. It's dumb, but, I'm not the Brunette Lucy for nothing!

Blogs & Twitters

2009-03-09T15:25:00.001-04:00

Dancy Dance

2009-03-05T14:21:00.000-05:00

Dancy Dance

I was at a homeschool function the other day when a mom remarked about my curly hair. I told her that it was natural and that my husband, Matt’s, was too. All three of our kids inherited our dark, curly hair.
Our first daughter, Aubrie, had Shirley Temple ringlets. We were constantly being stopped so people could admire it. So, we did what every good parent does that has a Shirley Temple look alike. We trained her like a circus monkey. We taught her to dance when we said, “dancy dance Aubrie”. She could be in the middle of eating and she’d drop her spoon, stand up, and dance. I’d put her in dresses with frilly socks and take her out. When people would admire her, I would tell her to dancy dance. And, like the good circus monkey she was, she performed.
Looking back, I wonder if that had an ill effect on her. I could be wrong, but her aversion to dancing as a teenager might, possibly, conceivable, albeit slightly, be in direct correlation to her youth.
Elyse, on the other hand, had baby fine, stick straight hair. Until she turned 6. Her hair exploded like microwave popcorn into a mass of curly, thick hair. Which, of course, she hated.
She would take her paper scissors and cut a nice, thick patch of hair at the root, right in the middle of her head. Of course, I tried to even it out so it wasn’t so noticeable. Other than shaving her head, she stuck out like a sore thumb. An adorable, brown eyed sore thumb.
Boy (Dakota) was born with little hair, except at the very top of his head. He had a patch of hair that curled like a kewpie doll. Of course, I thought it was adorable, and made sure that curl was always there. To add insult to injury, his sisters would dress him up like a ballerina and put a bow on top of the curl. I can see that he might not like his “girly” hair.
It, too, grew in like a storm in Kansas. Now, we can barely get a comb through it and it grows faster than we can cut it.
The kids are learning to cope with their hair. Aubrie has a firm grip on her curls, as well as an industrial strength straightening iron. Elyse figures if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em and leaves her curls alone for the most part. Dakota has resigned himself to the fact that other than shaving his head, he’ll have to live with the cards he’s been dealt. Besides, he looks just like his dad. Fortunately, he’s happy about that.
One day, Aubrie's dad will walk her down the aisle. At the reception, I'll get to dance with her new husband. We'll have come full circle when she gives me his hand and whispers, "dancy dance mommy".

Miracle on 12th Street

2009-03-05T14:11:00.000-05:00

MIRACLE ON 12TH STREET
Courtesy of Normie Kells

For about the last 45 years, my husband, Matt’s, family has gone down to the shore every mother’s day weekend. It’s always a fun time to hang out with each other. This year, however, was different. My father in law, Cliff Kells (known to the grandkids as “Normie” – long story) passed the week before Thanksgiving. This was our first year without the family patriarch, who was such an important part of our lives for so many years. He also was my biggest cheerleader & champion of my writing. Throughout the following months, there were many signs that he was still with us. None, however, were as amazing & real as what happened on May 11th at the Tahiti Inn, Ocean City, NJ.

We arrived at our apartments on Thursday afternoon. The apartments surround a common courtyard, with sliding glass doors & windows facing it. Those are the doors that we used to get in & out of our units. Everything was fine, & nothing was unusual all day. The next morning, Matt went next door to his mom’s to have
coffee, & as he walked up to the sliding door, noticed something
unusual. There, clear as day, was a profile of Normie. At first, we thought it was from the fog, however, the profile stayed the entire day. You could see his nose, where the folds of his skin were, his eyes & his chin. Of course, there were doubters in the family. Things were mentioned such as Matt or his brother, Bill, did it. The problem with that is that Billy isn’t as tall as Normie & Matt is taller, & the face was exactly where it would be on Normie’s 6 foot frame. Also, even if you try to press your face against glass, the features are compressed. This was not. It looked as if Normie had stood there & a light was shined on his profile & embedded in the door. Later that day, my mother in law, Gretchen, went to church. She walked in & as she did, the organist played the first verse of “I am with you”. After the first verse, she quit & went on to another song, as if she didn’t know why she suddenly started playing that song.

I’ve always believed that our loved ones are never gone, & are around us. Normie has let us know for months. But, on 12th Street in Ocean City, he proved it to doubters & let his beloved wife know that he is, indeed, still with her.

Where's My Other Shoe?

2009-02-14T15:25:00.000-05:00

WHERE’S MY OTHER SHOE?

My husband, Matt, said that I’m a pack rat. I couldn’t hear him, though, as he was standing behind a stack of unfinished projects. But if we ever get attacked by killer bees, he’ll be really glad that I saved all the netting that was going to be a bed canopy but turned into really nice padding for my unfinished ceramic coyote. I don’t really like the term, “pack rat”, though. I prefer to be called a collector of rarities.

I began to think that he may have a remote chance of being right one day. I was looking in my closet for a pair of pink sequined shoes that can only be worn with one specific outfit. I found the first one in record time, but I just couldn’t find its’ mate. I did, however, find my black satin special occasion purse, which still contained the dance program. What a nice walk down memory lane.

I also found a large bag of fabric paints. Technically, they can no longer be called paint, as they had dried up & were hard as a rock. With their pointed nozzle, they would make a really good projectile object. A bag of yarn, a few takeout menus & a stocking stuffer I forgot to give my son later, I conceded defeat. The pink shoe’s mate was not to be found. You’d think that the obvious thing to do would be to throw it away. But, what if I find the matching shoe? It really was a one of a kind. So, back it went into the closet. I set it free in hopes it would begin a quest for its partner.

Please don’t get the idea that my house is filled with boxes. Matt is too much of a neat freak for that. Or, uh, as he likes to call himself, a minimalist. All my “collections” are stashed away where no one can see; unless you open my bedroom closet. Do that, & all bets are off.

Occasionally, Matt would go through my stashes & throw things away. He didn’t think I knew (until now). One thing has stopped his major, secret cleansing rituals, though. I started saying, “Oh, well, if I can’t find it, I’ll just go out & buy another. You’d be surprised how quickly he can find what I was looking for.

Matt & I have been married almost 20 years now. Proof that a collector of rarities & a minimalist can live quite happily together. To celebrate, we’re going to go to dinner tonight. I’ve figured out what I want to wear. Now, where’s my other shoe?

Puzzled

2009-02-13T00:18:00.000-05:00

I do ok with jumbled word puzzles, but once I get frustrated, I’m done. Matt tried to explain what Sudoku is, & how it’s played. All I had to hear was that it was math related. After that, I had zero interest. Numbers make my brain hurt.

He recently emailed an intelligence test having to do with colors. The average person is supposed to get it right within 5 tries; he got it in 3. I, however, now have concrete evidence to point to that I actually have no brain. I got 14% on my first try, & 0% on two others. I actually got worse!

At first, there was no way I was going to divulge this little tidbit of knowledge. I figured I could just walk away & forget about it. Unfortunately, I couldn’t.

All I could think about was why didn’t I get this test? I’m not a complete idiot (as far as you know), & this test didn’t seem that hard. I’d go back & re-take it. Still, my score was “you’re so dumb, how can you even manage the controls?” Look, I’ve been told I’m not the brightest bulb by some, but a dumb computer is telling me I’m stupid? It was war.

That’s when I formed my conspiracy theory. Maybe it was a joke that Matt thought would be funny. And, what if he really DIDN’T get it in 3 tries? What if he was trying to tell me he thought I’m an idiot? Was he doing this on purpose to make me crazy?

Well, by the time he got home, I’d worked up a good ol’ case of mad. I hollered at him & told him exactly what was on my pea sized mind! He looked at me as though I’d lost it, & then, & then, had the nerve to suggest that maybe I wasn’t reading the instructions. That’s when I told Mr. Man what he could do with his puzzle.

After trying, hard, to contain himself, he showed me what I failed to figure out. Then, he bust out laughing. I couldn’t believe how easy the mistake I’d made was, or how silly I felt yelling at him. Then, I promptly sat down & re-took the puzzle/test, & got 100%.

I guess the moral of the story is, don’t take out your lack of problem solving on those you love. Either that, or, don’t take stupid puzzle/tests. And, sadly, in my case, the real moral is that I’m an idiot, & shouldn’t be allowed near computers. ‘Nuff said.